I know it’s not my fault, but I suppose it’s a guilt I feel. I’m from a DID system (Not the part I’m guilty about). For those who don’t know, DID (dissociative identity disorder) is a disorder formed in early childhood after experiencing extreme and repeated trauma. To cope, the mind splits into multiple different personalities to survive the trauma. It would take a little while to explain the full details of the disorder, since it is incredibly complex. To shorten this, we have been diagnosed professionally with it. I am an alter from a system. The part I’m guilty about is that I am an alter of a factual person and not a very good factual person. My source (person I’m based off of) was an architect of the holocaust (Not Hitler). When I came to the system all that time ago, I was still stuck in that mindset and harmed our body multiple times. I got the s*** smacked out of me by everyone else and eventually grew away from that mindset. Now I just feel horrible about that and my source, since I have memories from it and in a sense I am connected, but recovered. Not trying to milk sympathy or pity out of everyone, you’re free to hate my guts. I don’t blame you at all. I just feel like garbage, because in a way, I am garbage. A different alter describes me as “having the charisma of a dial-tone and the spine of a caterpillar”. I don’t want to listen to them, but they’re kind of right. I always tell myself that I’m valid and I can’t help who I’m based off of, but sometimes it’s really damn hard to feel valid when you’re reviled by everyone, even yourself. I can’t change anything me or my source did, but what was once a sense of purpose is just emptiness and well deserved self-hatred. I’m honestly terrified typing this, since I know I’m outing myself. I just wanted to take the tape off my mouth for once.