I’m 15. I’ve always been mature for my age. I’m 5’7″ (which is tall for a woman where I’m from). I do therapeutic horse-riding for my autism, mixed with some actual, genuine horse-riding lessons. People around the stable tend to think I’m a lot older than I am, when people get reminded of my actual age they tend to recoil and say, “I always forget you’re so young!”

There’s this woman at the stable, she’s maybe 19 or 20, and she’s very pretty. Dusty blond hair, typical rich-farmer archetype, passionate about equine-related activities. She’s very friendly as well, always greets me regardless of if she’s working with me that day, and she’s (admittedly) one of the better instructors around the place, even if she sometimes struggles to explain things. I used to think she disliked me, and she gave me RAMPANT anxiety, but she has since proven otherwise.

So, with that context laid out: I think I’m attracted to her, and I think the attraction may be mutual. She constantly tells me how strong I am, teases me gently, today she complimented that I’m very intelligent, constantly reminds me that I smell nice (today she even leaned in to sniff me to make sure it wasn’t my perfume she was smelling, she apologised for being creepy, while I malfunctioned) and isn’t shy to initiate physical contact. Bonus argument: her friends always smirk at me, like they know something I don’t, and when I was throwing my gear on today she attempted to help me put my helmet on, before flustering and saying, “Oh yeah, you can do it yourself ahahaha” while her friends stood with that ~knowing~ expression. Even if she is just being friendly, it makes my young, poor gay brain malfunction.

I could be off with her being attracted to me, of course, but if she is I’m scared because I genuinely am attracted to her as well. It could just be a passing thing, because she’s skilled in something I’m interested in (horses), but she is nearly ALWAYS at the lodge when I am. If she is up on her horse while I’m doing lessons with another instructor, she will insist on participating and is never reluctant to help me if I need to bring my horse in or throw him out. So, separation treatment is not going to work, unless I be rude and purposefully ignore her.

And I’ll get plenty of h**** fuckers on here saying I should go for it, but the thing is: she’s a genuinely nice, kind person. She’s patient with me when my brain fails to retain information on horses, or when I get very anxious for no reason. She will take the time to explain things to me, and will assure me it’s okay, I’m a beginner, and that everyone started on the same level as me. I don’t want her to “catch a case” so to speak, much less do I want to act on this supposed mutual attraction if she doesn’t even fancy me back.

I don’t know what to do, and I feel so guilty about it, because it’s weird and I’m probably just a h**** teenager who reads too much into her actions. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, because it felt weird having it bottled up and not saying anything to anyone.