When I was 13 told myself I would never do drink alcohol or so drugs, because I could tell I already had an addictive personality. my father warned me that alcoholism runs in the family. So I swore I’d never do those things. I wanted to keep this promise for myself, to make myself proud.

when I was 14 My friend talked me into trying an edible. I thought “well it’s just one time and it’s just weed what’s the worst that could happen”. I got really high and enjoyed it, but again swore that I wouldn’t do it again.
So I didn’t.

It was until late that year, when my childhood home was destroyed in an unexpected flash flood. we lost everything.
During cleaning out some of the stuff in our house I began drinking cause I knew it would help me feel less emotions. So I drank. I drank everyday for 2 weeks while cleaning out our house. That started an unhealthy relationship with drugs in general. I started seeing drugs as an escape from reality.
As the months went on while rebuilding our house, someone very close to me tried to kill herself. I knew she was going to harm herself, I just didn’t know a way to stop her. She was in a coma for 2 weeks. I lost all sight of myself during this time. I knew that I had to help her and her family, so I had to forget about myself for a little bit. The drinking got heavier during that time. Very night I was chugging liquor. Crying myself to sleep or passing out in the shower. I also had started smoking weed and taking edibles pretty often aswell.

Right after all of that then my brother had gone into 5 emergency surgeries, and we were told he may never walk again. This broke me. I had lost so much, and replaced the lost things with depression. I didn’t want to live anymore, I didn’t want to die though. I just didn’t want to feel anything anymore. so when my brother finally came home from the hospital, stuck in a wheel chair, and he told me “I can’t take those pain killers I hate how they make me feel” an idea hit me. I decided to take the vicodin he never used. I started taking vicodin every night while still drinking and smoking. I was tired and high most of the time. No one but my closest friends knew. and they thought it was cool, they motivated me to take it further. Eventually I ended up buying adderall and Xanax and taking those all the time. For almost a month straight I didn’t go a night without being intoxicated.
On my 15th birthday I wasn’t proud of myself. I didn’t want to be like this anymore, but I couldn’t stop. It’s been almost 6 months since my birthday. And I’m slowly getting better. I still smoke weed and drink sometimes, and Even take pills if I’m doing really bad. But nonetheless I’m getting better. I don’t need drugs to feel alive.

To my mom and dad, my brother c, and all the people who I mistreated or disappointed. I’m sorry, and you don’t need to forgive me. I fucked up and will definetly f*** up again. But I’m a kid and I’m learning how to take care of myself and the people I love.