She killed herself because of me. I don’t think I can live with myself anymore, I need to confess.

When I was in grade 8, I had a grade 4 reading buddy who had cerebral palsy, once a week we’d go to her favorite place, the right side of the gyms stage (which was pretty much completely out of view from the gym and side hallway) and I’d s******* do things to her, gradually over time becoming more explicit through the rest of the year. Started with only my hand groping her thigh when we sat down, to feeling up her a** briefly at the end of reading time when we got up to walk back. That escalated to sitting on my lap as I read (calling it cuddles), to having her holding the book and my hands feeling up both her inner thighs and rubbing her puss through clothes when we sat on me. I then started luring her into the second gym storage room which was always unlocked and barely used, and there was when I took it to the next level. I’d pulled her pants down and pretend to be Mr. Bubbles (her imaginary friend) just there to inspect clean her messy v***** by rubbing on it (not in it) with my fingers, and then my tongue, reassuring her I was just cleaning her up. I’d also take my b**** and rub it around her puss reassuring her that this felt good. Eventually I lured her in and took the back end eraser of a pencil and sodomized her little v*****, she cried for a while but I told her that this was our secret and promised never to tell anyone, cause you never break a promise. But I was surprised I even got it in, especially at that age. S, it came to the point where I’d be f******** her while we read every time. Since I couldn’t get my d*** in without completely sodomizing her, I tried her other hole, got it in a couple times, but didn’t know about lube back then, so I tried raw dogging it, didn’t feel the greatest except this one time when I did get it in but she had smooth pooh which inadvertently improvised as lube. she tried screaming every time, but good thing she had a speech impediment, she had a very soft voice despite her incomprehensible dictation a lot of the times. I tormented her for a whole f****** year.

It really is fucked up beyond all recognition what I did to her, and that was almost over 17 years ago, and now learning that a f****** mentally challenged person somehow found the fruition to take her own life for reasons I helped contributed to. She mention me in her disturbing self written eulogy. That me and her abusive foster parents made it so f****** unbearable she didn’t see any other option.

A part of me died hearing this. Something I had suppressed until yesterday after a unsettling phone call from a mutual friend.

But a part of me got excited, as I wrote this. That I was getting off to it, recounting my deprived acts.

I didn’t think I’d react with such contempt and positive trepidation.

I’m sorry Rebecca