I am skipping classes. It’s been few weeks since I’ve started. I feel super bad about it, I promised to everyone that I will study and won’t miss this opportunity again. But so far, I am just justifying other people’s disbelief in me. My family doesn’t know about it. For them I am studying, understanding every damn lecture. In reality I sit in my room and binge watch shows or binge eat out of guilt.

I am not looking for work. I promised I will try to find. But I never did. I know I have to, my family can’t support me all the time.

I am going on the date, about which my partner doesn’t know (open relationship). And it’s the one type of dates they disapprove.

I don’t do the things that I was asked to do. Even though they are need to be done fast.

I am constantly procrastinating. I am constantly looking for excuses and justification for my actions. I am getting really good with it, as I am becoming more convinced in them myself. And right now, all of my justifications became one: “You are going to fail, why try?”. And I stopped. Even though I know I still have time. It’ll be hard, but it’s not impossible. At least to try to pass exams.
But I know that I won’t try. I know I’ll just keep my hands down and blame the universe and everything and everyone for my failure.