This is going to be long winded and bizzare just to put it there from the beginning.

Im 27, female and you need a bit of backstory to understand. I lived with my mum, dad left when I was four. Intermittently in and out of our lives picking the favourite of his 5 children to talk too when he could be bothered. Took a couple of years to be your turn. He now doesnt talk to any of us. Stepdad is an alcoholic, nice enough bloke but not very involved.

I was s******* assaulted by my best friend (Ill call XBF) when I was 16. His mum and my mum were friends. My uncle sold him weed. XBF fingered me when I was asleep and I rolled off the bed and pretended to wake up from that. Didnt tell anyone until 4 months after the event. I told my friend who told 5 people but he made it sound like I had been raped when he told others. It spread very quickly around the school, with people telling me anything from it wasnt my fault and wanting to beat them up; to friends not believing me; to random people laughing at me in my lessons saying if it had happened I deserved it. I started self harming. Became depressed. I was sent to see my granddad every Wednesday to paint (he is an amazing artist), watch tv shows and eat cake.

Whilst I was there, my granddad would start giving me back massages. He always lingered too long massaging my sides with his fingers on my b****. This is definitely true.

The ex best friend then bricked my house with my other old friends. Convinced id lied. I told my mum and the police what happened and got told as it was a year after the event (even though a friend had seen them running too the house to brick it and away without the bricks saying we were going to kill em) it was heresay as noone actually saw them do it. Also told me there was no point in making a statement as the incident had happened a year ago. Must be mentioned XBF’s mum was shagging the police officer round the house.

I had a head injury at age 18. I completely forgot 2 years of my life and struggle with remembering still. I have flashbacks but couldnt tell you how old I was, dates or times Ive done things etc. I have to rely on gut instinct all the time as I cant always remember why I feel that way.

I started going out with this lad who I thought was amazing. He was to begin with. But very early on he started to shove me around, strangle me but never actually hit me. So stupid me thought its not as bad as domestic abuse. He doesn’t punch me. The kind of lad that thought nothing of dragging me out of bed as he had smelled my knickers and thought he could smell another man. I would never have cheated. I loved him and I would of been too scared. He was so strong. And aleays telling me hed kill me and whoever hed caught me with. He shoved me down during one argument on the field behind coop and strangled me and fucked me. The second other time was in my bedroom i shared with my sister, he kept just trying. I kept saying no and I didnt want too be too loud and argue with my sister so I kept quiet. She stormed out and my family gave me a bollocking for shagging him in the room with my sister. I didnt want too. I struggle to say it was r*** as he was my other half and I loved him. I didnt want s** either of those two times and he knew it. We split after 2 and a half years. He threatened to kill my family, kept me hostage in the car, threatened to kill himself. Hes messaged me a few times since but Ive just ignored him and now hes not a problem.

I started a relationship with my other half i am with now 7 years ago. He works a lot, at one point me and him had to have a chat as he was working 8-10 at night every night inc weekends. And no he wouldnt have cheated, just a thoroughly decent bloke. Can be a miserable arse but he is someone that actually doesnt try too but makes me a better person anyway. He tells me to stand up for myself and will do pretty much anything to keep me and his daughter happy. Its not all perfect but it’s us.

A few months ago (that I remember for definite) I accused my granddad of touching me. Im sure that as a child (age 6ish) we had stayed at my grandparents and he told me he would kill me if I told anyone. It was dark, my sister and Nan were asleep. Mum told me shed kill me if I didnt tell her what was wrong. I remember being petrified. I was going to die. I think I remember her saying you touched me you dont f****** touch her.

Ive started to accept this may be true. The past couple of months things keep popping in my head.

My granddad fell ill on holiday in Wales. Me and my mum had to pick him up and I said to him as we stopped off to get petrol on way back that I know you f****** touched me and if you ever touch my daughter I will f****** kill you. He said he would never. He and my mum sat on the table and asked what I was on about. So I told them. I kept having dreams, nightmares that would leave me shaking and panicking. Cant sleep well at night at all. Even in the day I keep having panic attacks which I just feel weak as a person. Ive always been a people pleaser but thought I was strong. I told them I kept having nightmares of him touching me after I had my daughter (she is one and a half). My mum said this wasnt the first time I had accused him. It was just nightmares and I apologised, said it was all my fault. I dont know why I am the way I am. Mum said I was just a nasty liar whose always had a sly streak.

I am sure after I was at home, I argued with my Nan, Mum and sister and said if this was true. I dont want anything more to do with him. All i can remember is them screaming at me why are you like this. What is wrong with you. Again I apologised. Said it was my fault.

I went to my grandparents and I remember that he touched me. He never raped me just fingers. Not sure when it is in the timeline. But he definitely did. I remember his arm pinning me saying I had wanted it. At least he had now done what he had been accused of. I had dreamt of it. (I dont always use the right word when I say things – eg. Ill say Dream instead of nightmare as I was asleep and they mean the same. Im not sure if they are true. Ill also use dream for good dreams.) I told him he could do what he liked with me but I would kill him if he touched my daughter. He was a peadophile.
He did it again in front of my mum. I remember begging her for help. Her sitting on his couch. When I was asking if he had touched her too. He touched her until she had moved out and had us kids so at least 21. “What am I supposed to do, tell M and say my dads been touching me?” I told him he was sick. Went into garden. You were supposed to protect me, youre my mum. Yea and hes my dad. You seemed like you enjoyed it from where I was sitting. You were goading him to do it. I had shouted at him earlier had he ever touched my daughter. Mum had said yes everytime I had gone for a cigarette or just walked out. Wasnt sure if shed got that angry and was just saying the most horrible things or meant it. I remember her saying stop it youre scaring her. I had gone into meltdown holding my head screaming no no no no over and over again. My mum said that I had failed as a parent as he had probably touched her a dozen times. Everytime youve asked me to have her. I live ten minutes away. You dont even know, sometimes an hour. Sometimes a night. My sister brang the kids. Im sure she was just being horrible. I said Id tell police or my other half and she said it didnt matter, if I was going too i would of already. I would end up forgetting everything anyway. Like I always do.
I accused him again in my Mums lounge with my mum and sister. We were sat at the table and they didnt believe me. They took me over there to sort this out once and for all. Me and my daughter. I was standing near the back door holding my baby. Mum was by the front door. Nan was by the couch and my sister was sitting on the couch. I was screaming and shouting begging my mum to let me leave after he touched me. I just wanted to leave. It was mob mentality. I looked my sister dead in the eyes and begged her. She looked down. They told my to hand my daughter over and take my punishment. He fingered me in front of my family. My sister ran out saying I didnt deserve that and we were a f****** incestous family. My mum asked if we would tell our other halfs. Both said no. I sat and watched my daughter through the glass and had a cigarette in the garden with my mum and sister panicking. I had gone numb. Distant. Things just happening round me. I asked if he had ever touched my daughter and Mum said no. My Mum said i had been goading him, practically encouraging him to do it . My sister said I didnt derseve that no matter what I had said or done. She asked how I could let him do that to me. I told my sister on way home that I had already told Mum the week before. All of us were shocked. I remember looking at the cd player lights in the car and wondering how we could ever come back from this.
I also remember waking up and thinking my sister wasnt involved it was a nightmare. Mum was. Sister wouldnt. But it still seems so real. I remember all the way home. I remember dreading my sister telling my other half and thinking if he finds out, he will want to get the hell away from me and my family and he would have reason too. I will never see my daughter again.
I cant remember the order these all come in or the exact things said apart from some phases.
I am sure my granddad is an incestous peadophile. I am sure he touched my mum and now me. Maybe my sister. I dont know.
Im 80% sure he hasnt touched my daughter or my nieces. That keeps me up at night so much.
My sister and Mum are saying I have imagined this all. If I am imagining this. How fucked up am I? Ive resolved not to leave my daughter with my family (which is hard to explain to other half as she cries a lot when we leave and before I remembered all this we only trusted my mum and sister with her). His parents were never around and his family she doesnt know very well so would make herself sick crying. I now dont trust anyone apart from my other half and daughter. She is not going anywhere. I dont need days or nights off.
What the hell do I do. How can someone decide whats true and what has been a nightmare. Ive tried ringing helplines but as there are kids involved they want police involved. If the police are involved, I can’t say 100% this is all true. I can’t say when it happened. They wouldnt believe me. I feel so damn alone as I cant talk to friends in case they tell my other half. If my other half finds out I will lose him and my daughter. He will never look at me the same way and he would tell people. If someone, somewhere has some advice. Please tell me.