long confession because I’ve been holding back for so long

my boyfriend has anger depression. sometimes at night when he can’t sleep or something seems to tick off his anger, he get extremely depressed and angry. last night, he had one of his episodes. he couldn’t sleep, his mind was flooded with thoughts. he said he tried to wake me up in the middle of the night but i was in a deep sleep i couldn’t even wake up. even if i did, i don’t remember it at all. when i woke up in the morning, he was slamming his head on the headboard of our bed and hitting is head with his hand over and over and over again. i was mortified. waking up the first thing in the morning and seeing this? i tried to ask if he wanted to tell me anything (since saying ‘whats wrong’ will tick him off instead) but instead he kept pushing my hand away. i tried to block the blows to his head by putting my hand in between but he still kept hitting.

right now he is angry at me; because i wasn’t there for him when he needed someone to calm him down. he wanted me to acknowledge him. but he said “your sleep matters more to you!”. i was hurt. so, so hurt. every time he has an episode, im always there for him. when he couldn’t sleep i would stay up with him or try to calm him down. but last night, for the first time, over something i couldn’t control, he blamed me and shut me out. saying things that just made me feel so hurt, unappreciated and unheard.

i tell myself that its not his fault. he can’t control it. when people are angry and/or depressed they tend to say things that hurt other people because they are hurting too. but the thing is, i have anxiety and depression too. maybe not as severe as his is, it’s crucifying. i really take something someone said to me and overthink so much that my head just hurts like hell and my eyes burn from holding back the tears at work because i just keep thinking “what if” “i shouldn’t have” “why am i not good enough” “why am i even alive all i do is hurt people”.

i have been trying to be strong for us and myself. I’ve been trying to fight my depression and all the thoughts that keep bringing me down. but its so heavy. whats heavier is that i can’t share my feelings with him, especially when i get depressed, because it affects him 10x more and it will only make the situation worse. so i just keep everything inside. do you know how lonely that feels?

my boyfriend loves me with every inch of his being. that i have no doubt at all. he treats me with so much love and respect. thats why it kills me when this happens. i know he doesn’t mean it, but words really f*** me up. and it just makes me want to end myself.