I don’t love my girlfriend. I tell her I do but it’s a lie. She confessed that she liked me when I was in a very vulnerable place and all I could do was lie that I liked her back, I thought it wouldn’t cause any harm. It’s almost been a year and I still feel nothing for her. I know it’s mean but she’s ugly- I have never said that word out loud to describe another living person in regards to their physical appearance but that is the most accurate word for her. I don’t care about that most of the time but when we have disagreements and I’m reminded that we have nothing in common I can’t help but think about it. Some nights I don’t even want her to touch me. But she is lovely, she’s nice and caring and adorably awkward but I literally can’t get over all the things that someone who really loved her could easily overlook. Sometimes I think I hate her and then I hate myself for it. She’s done nothing to deserve the growing bitterness in my soul but it slips out anyway. Sometimes I insult her without meaning to or without even knowing it and everyday it gets worse.

To make matters worse? We broke up before and I was completely rid of her. But then I got lonely again. She is the first girl I ever slept with and (for all it’s weird little quirks) her body is to die for. I told her I wanted her back when I knew all I wanted was someone to hold me. That was wrong and selfish and I know it. But it’s too late because no matter how vulnerable I think I am she somehow manages to be so much worse.

She has bipolar disorder, he dad died and she lives with a family that barely acknowledges one another, all my love for her is based on the pity you’d feel for a puppy with a broken leg and not much else more.
She is asleep, snoring right next to me as a write this and I feel guilty like words can’t explain.

I’m gonna ride this out as best as I can and try to be good to her because it’s what she deserves. She says I bring her happiness. I hope she’s lying too.