I met a girl in grad school who turned out to be gay. She expressed her love for me. I tried being gentle telling her I wasn't gay, but we could be

7 years

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I met a girl in grad school who turned out to be gay. She expressed her love for me. I tried being gentle telling her I wasn’t gay, but we could be friends. We graduated, I got a job in the South and she got a job in the North East.

I posted on fb that I was engaged. She called me and after a couple of minutes told me since I had rejected her she wasn’t going to be around. She was driving and she was on Bluetooth, she said she was unbuckling, read off the speed until she said she was going 110 and said she loved me and then a crash. She was killed, she swerved into a stand of trees.

It is now five years, I never got married, I have been to therapy, but nothing helps. I cry myself to sleep every night.

I am not looking for help, its more of don’t do to anyone what she has done to me.

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.