I am a 45 year old, married, “straight” man, but since 1997, I’ve had several experiences with men, mostly as bottom (and not one other woman). I’m documenting my list so I will stop. I was fully tested last week, HIV and STD free.

I made a commitment and I’m not keeping it. Really, I don’t check out men in public. I do look at women. I don’t think I’m gay, but I must be. My father died when I was young, raised by women. I do get a thrill when I’m first with a guy, but it quickly wears off. I worry I’m really gay and in denial.

All through this time period, I have been in gay chat rooms, where I silly end up meeting these guys locally. I’m not ashamed, per se. but I do t want to be discovered and I want it to stop. Today, I deleted my gay chat accounts and all my n*** photos.

1997- kissed and stroked a man
2004 – kissed and stroked a man
2011 – kissed a man in his hotel room and left
2016 – had a*** and oral s** with a man
2016 – kissed a man and let him undress me, left before s**
2016 – kissed a man, stroked him, let him rim me, left before s**
2017 – kissed and stroked a man to completion in my car while I was wearing p******
2017 – had a*** and oral s** with a man
2018 – kissed and stroked a man, left before s**
2019 – gave oral s** to a man
2019 – has a*** and oral s** with man from 2017
2019 – kissed and stroked a man