I have been in a relationship for 11 years and we are living together not married. It went to a point where we discuss about the wedding and he doesn't

7 years

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I have been in a relationship for 11 years and we are living together not married. It went to a point where we discuss about the wedding and he doesn’t seem to get an interes. He keeps asking me back “when do i want?” In short, nothing happens. We do not have the same plans and directions. I went on vacation to my place to spend time with my parents. We had a horrible argument. It was bad. I was hurt with what he said though i might have hurt him too. We didn’t talk for a while. I met my old classmate and we dated. I have been talking to this person before i went on vacation.We spent time often and he confessed that he loves me eversince. He said he just didn’t get the chance and i had a boyfriend. First meeting. He was aggressive butbi won the battle to control and we didnt have s**. I am not officially separated and i feel that its not the time to commit with someone else. This person knew i had a boyfriend and i told him about the situation.He’s willing to wait and we made a deal that we will see after a year and talk about it. Whenever I am ready and he is then he will marry me. Ironic! I have been waiting to get wed with this guy of 11 years and nothing happens, then after 18 years i met my classmate and told me those things. Which i do not believe immediately. 2nd meeting, we had s**. I have been managing this feeling to avoid the temptation. I knew in myself that if i dont love him i wont give in. But i did. I made a clear discussion with him that its just s** and we are in commitment and that he should stop acting like a boyfriend. Oh no, but we are still talking while i am with my bf. I tried to talk to my bf and tell him that we should separate and he’s not giving up. He said he wants to consider a lot of things yet. Looks like in progress. I told myself to just keep the secret, until maybe its time to make a decision. No. I am not playing. I love my bf. But i feel that i love this another man too. And i like the way he do things for me but i am still in doubt. I want to give myself a time to decide. But everuday, i am feeling guilty. I sometimes tempted to tell my bf but i keep crying and cant imagine yet that we will end up this way. I want to get separated in a manner that im not gonna hurt him. Like i wish he would find a girl or flirting so when i caught him i can let go og him no matter how painful it could be. Hes been loyal to ke, thats all i know unless he has kept secrets too! Because if do, for sure he might have one. The guilt is killing me everyday. I need a helpful advice.

New Confession

I’ve lost my Ego, self respect and dignity. I have nothing own nothing, am nothing but worthy of whatever the bully wishes from me. And what that means is that my life is to be exposed, exhibited. Be degraded daily by my bully so he can get off on his thrills of humiliating me in front of however many or little amount of kids happen to show up. The crowds apparently seem to get bigger as the days go by. My humiliation is becoming acceptance as routine is becoming comfortability. These pre adult children are masters at performing to show angst between disgust and desire. Which adds to the shame. Of what’s being done to me.

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.