All my life I’ve been dealing with diseases and chronic pains, but what happened in the course of April, it just makes me feel so stupid and guilty.
So, I’m kind of lucky with my diseases: just last year I was on my way to get liver failure just to find out the agonising pains I’ve been feeling for a week have just been some gasses in my colons, that only required a strict diet and some pills to fix up. I’ve had fallen arches, my tailbone is busted because I fell on my a lot of times. Technically, my immune system is the one of a bean. I’m getting carried away, back to the main point
This month, since I hadn’t gotten it when I was a child, I got chickenpox. I had a very strong headache since Monday (the 8th, I believe), it wrapped around my forehead, around my head. It hurt like s*** and I was extremly exhausted by Wednesday, to the point at school I couldn’t focus on anything, I was so dizzy and I hurt so much I couldn’t even write anything down. I couldn’t remember things said to me five minutes ago. The next day, I skipped school and went to the doctors with mom. The doctor just did a good checkup while I was seriously trying to sit up and look at her in the eyes. And that’s when I was told that I could have meningitis, but still needed to get my blood tested. I don’t directly remember being told I could possibly have it, I just remember waiting in the hallway with my head in my hands. The next day, I get my blood drawn and had to wait 2 and a half hours to get it tested. It was alright, three things were quite low, while two were very high, so I was good. While waiting for the results to come out, though, I started having blisters. Aaand that instantly flipped to me having chickenpox. The headache, lightheadedness, pains, neck stiffness, memory loss and dizziness were still there, but I just didn’t have meningitis. And yes, I am vaccinated, I’ve had all my vaccines that are required by the country. As I said, my immune system is just s***
And so, I went through with the varicella. I didn’t have a lot of blisters, my back had it the worst, but by the 14th, I was feeling well enough that I can use the laptop without getting a massive headache for using it for more than five minutes. I only had scabs left by the 20th, and I got back to school.
Just this weekend though… my sister got chickenpox too. She hasn’t had it before, she’s 20, dealing with it well, but she has a lot more blisters than I did, and they’re bigger too. We share a room, so it was slightly expected too. But it was painful to watch, you know? I got my sister contaminated by the same disease I had, but she’s having it worse than me. Until two days ago, when I found out my brother too, was contaminated. He only has some on his forehead and back, for now. He’s 6, and yes, both of them are vaccinated.
Mom… mom’s vaccinated, but never had chickenpox. She’s 36, and for her it could be really bad. Just yesterday, her temperature was 38 degrees Celsius. She felt uncomfortable.
So I got all three of them with this stupid, primitive disease… watching them just look so… sad, so tired all the time, it’s painful to see. And I feel absolutely guilty because of it. I blame myself for their suffering, it’s my fault and my fault only. I really can’t get it off my shoulders and I just leave myself to tear me down on the inside.
And I hope dad really had it when he was younger. I honestly love my dad more than anyone else in my immediate family, his side of the family is the one I definitely prefer. I can’t think about him getting on systems because of chickenpox, the chickenpox I gave him…
I’m 14, I’m no young adult, I’m no late teen. I wish I had Meningitis. I really wish I did, so instead of watching my family suffer, I just would’ve gone and gotten that treated. I don’t care if I got deaf, or my brain was permanently damaged due to amputation. It would’ve been more fair to my family. They wouldn’t be going through this if I wasn’t a fool and didn’t get chickenpox. I just… can I go back in time and actually get meningitis?