I already had these suicidal thoughts for a very long time and the first time I tried to act upon these thoughts was already years ago. When I finally decided to tell my mother about it so that I’ll be able to get some sort of professional help (which I felt that I really need at that time) my mother immediately abandoned that idea and told me that I was just being a weakling. So, I pretended not to feel like that anymore despite being on verge of doing suicidal attempts for almost everyday at that time. It was a very hellish days for me as I cannot act upon my thoughts. Then months passed by and I was able to finally control these suicidal impulses despite still wishing to just disappear and runaway from everything. However, most of the time I felt as if I cannot longer feel anything or as if I can feel my own emotions but only vaguely to the point that I sometimes wonder if I am really feeling such emotions/ if it is even my own. There was only one emotion that I could still somewhat feel more than I did to other emotions at that time which unfortunately was anger. At that time I also felt that everything I say or do was useless so to be able to feel some emotion and perhaps get revenged for being in a way ‘not accepted’ by my own mother, I blamed every bad thing that happened to her. I hurt her with the words and actions she used had used that hurt me. I liked seeing her in pain to. I wanted her to feel what I had felt. I wanted her to have suicidal thoughts too so that she may understand what I was feeling. Hell, I also wished for her to try and succeed suicide so that she may be able to complete what I wasn’t able to do. Then after that I would pretend to be heart broken from her death and ‘magically change’ just like what she always wanted me to do. Honestly, I want to say I felt ‘guilty’ for saying and thinking of such things but no, I don’t feel guilty at all…