First off, I’m a Female to Male, and I am gay (so I like men, I clarify just because the statement tends to confuse me too) I have a fetish, and I hate

7 years

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First off, I’m a Female to Male, and I am gay (so I like men, I clarify just because the statement tends to confuse me too)
I have a fetish, and I hate myself for it. I find it gross and disgusting. Yet, whenever it’s the week before I used to have my period, I fall into it, get h****, and fantasise about t** and a** inflation. It only happened during that week, and I hate it. It makes it worse that I don’t even like women.
I’m trying to distract myself whenever it’s that time, and I managed about 3 months before I accidentally fucked up an hour ago…
I feel like s*** because of it, I hate myself for it, I was hoping it’d go away after my transition but it didn’t, it seems to have gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.