Im greatly despondent. my own life has likely lost any meaning years ago - My only hope is to try to help another person - my child.. but I do that mostly

7 years

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Im greatly despondent. my own life has likely lost any meaning years ago – My only hope is to try to help another person – my child.. but I do that mostly badly and in fear of terrible failure… fearful of death of a child as she grows to a young person. fearful of a meaningless life. writing my own obituary is depressing as hell. If I sat down to write it id be embarassed for anyone to read it. nothing I do on a day to day basis would make it. He was a s***** husband and a medoicre father who was a slacker at his job and didnt ammount to much. to say he wasted his potential would be an understatement, except that evidently there was never much potential there. everyone but him knew it. Id have been better off career wise if I had invested all my money in a discount cigarettes and tobacco shop right before the vaping boom … then lost everything

seriously Im beyond burned out, work is killing me, but I cant quit, overtime without extra pay, working nights and weekends for years without a raise, but im trapped, this is the best im rver going to get, Im damaged good. Depression isnt even remotely descriptive and no meds will fix my problems. they are structural and cannot be foxed with a pill. im only further and furher in debt, neverwnding student loan debt, housing debt from a mortgage for a house I dont need or deserve, im trapped and unable to ever escape, stressed out, wasted, spinning my hampster wheel at top speed going nowhere at 100 miles an hour. why the hell did we think this was going to turn out differently? what the hell is wrong with me and my inability to understand the fundamentals of higher education and the modern workplace? blaming it all on capitaist explotation is a cop out, its like saying I am a s***** office worker because I am always wearing the wrong shoes or socks to work, and if i just made better decisons about my underwear or pants Id be fitter, happier and more productive. what total horseshit.

all of this is just b******* drivel. all of the things I do are mostly wasted. im sorry for wasting your time

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