My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years this year. (We started dating in August) I cheated on him in the first month of our relationship. A guy

7 years

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years this year. (We started dating in August)
I cheated on him in the first month of our relationship. A guy kissed me and I kissed back, I like to say it was almost automatic. I stopped it quickly. I felt horrible.
But then around Christmas / new year. I cheated again. With someone else. We kissed. There was all this built up tension. And we kissed. Properly made out. And I wanted to. But afterwards. I felt horrible.
Then. Between our 1 and 2 year anniversary. I made the biggest mistake. The one I regret the most. I cheated again. This time. Worse. I blew him. We were making out. It go so heated. And it had been getting heated for a while and it eventually led to this explosion of passion. And groping and kissing and me eventually blowing. We both cheated that night.
I’ve never told my partner about any of these. They’re so long ago I barely think about them or remember. But sometimes I do. Sometimes I see those other peoples names, or hear about them and I remember. I see the third ones girlfriend he had at the time. It ruined their relationship. She almost ruined mine right back. Which I would’ve deserved. The guilt. It hits me like a wall. I am so full of guilt. But it’s been so long. I can’t tell my partner now. I’m so afraid of losing him. We’ve come so far and I was so stupid. So so so stupid. I hate myself for what I did. And I know if he ever found out it would cause so much pain.
I live in fear that one of those guys will tell my partner what happened. The the girl will.
I’m scared one of them will come and try to ruin what we’ve built.
I’m so guilty.
But I feel there’s no use in telling him now. Even the most recent incident was almost 5 years ago.
There’s no point in hurting him and risking our relationship for something that happened so long ago.
But sometimes it keeps me awake. Like I know it will tonight.
I only hope that one day I’ll just forget. That they will just forget. But I know that if it does come and bite me in the a**. I’d deserve it.
I know I’m a horrible person.
I like to say I WAS a horrible person.
I would never ever do anything like that again. I was stupid. I was young. Not even 17.
I’m older now. Mature. Less stupid and selfish.
I am so so so sorry to my partner for what I did.
But I pray he never finds out.
I love him. I really do.

New Confession

You know that day you told me how you thought you were in love with me? That you were anxiously waiting to tell me how you feel? Well, I was feeling that way too. I’ve been feeling like that this entire time. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in the moment. I didn’t know how to process it. I still don’t. But you make me feel so incredibly different. It’s uncomfortable, uncanny and here to stay. You make me want to be a better person in the hopes that we make something beautiful.

But what’s really holding me back isn’t my fear of intimacy. Or the fact that I’m completely avoidant. What holds me back from embracing this newfound love is her. I look just like her. My middle name is hers. We have the same interests, the same smile, the same everything. I understand you’ve known me longer than her, and that you liked me before you even met her, but I don’t know. I’m scared that you only like me now because you see her in me.

I appreciate the rekindling of our friendship, it means so much to me as it does to you. But I’m afraid of these feelings we have for each other. I really do like you. I would go as far as to say I love you. But I’m scared that you only love me because of her.

I’ll say what I would like to say to you here.

Being around you is such a privilege in my life. I understand that you think you’re indebted to me, but honestly, it’s the other way around. You’ve shown me that I’m capable of a love that I don’t want to run from. You are so generous, and hilarious, and incredibly handsome. To rekindle with you has been such a rollercoaster, and I never want to get off. I just hope that you like me for me, and not who you see in me. I really really like you. It’s making me freak out. I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I’d like a life with you.

But naturally, I can’t bring myself to say this to you face to face. Even if you wear your heart on your sleeve.

I like you so much. I’m sorry I’m scared.

Related Confessions

I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.