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You know that day you told me how you thought you were in love with me? That you were anxiously waiting to tell me how you feel? Well, I was feeling that way too. I’ve been feeling like that this entire time. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in the moment. I didn’t know how to process it. I still don’t. But you make me feel so incredibly different. It’s uncomfortable, uncanny and here to stay. You make me want to be a better person in the hopes that we make something beautiful.

But what’s really holding me back isn’t my fear of intimacy. Or the fact that I’m completely avoidant. What holds me back from embracing this newfound love is her. I look just like her. My middle name is hers. We have the same interests, the same smile, the same everything. I understand you’ve known me longer than her, and that you liked me before you even met her, but I don’t know. I’m scared that you only like me now because you see her in me.

I appreciate the rekindling of our friendship, it means so much to me as it does to you. But I’m afraid of these feelings we have for each other. I really do like you. I would go as far as to say I love you. But I’m scared that you only love me because of her.

I’ll say what I would like to say to you here.

Being around you is such a privilege in my life. I understand that you think you’re indebted to me, but honestly, it’s the other way around. You’ve shown me that I’m capable of a love that I don’t want to run from. You are so generous, and hilarious, and incredibly handsome. To rekindle with you has been such a rollercoaster, and I never want to get off. I just hope that you like me for me, and not who you see in me. I really really like you. It’s making me freak out. I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I’d like a life with you.

But naturally, I can’t bring myself to say this to you face to face. Even if you wear your heart on your sleeve.

I like you so much. I’m sorry I’m scared.

New Confession

Mother decided I wasn’t keeping my birdie clean. She had a talk with me, a lecture. She made me take my pants down and she examined my birdie. Then she sent my little sisters to get supplies. My younger sisters came back with a bar of soap, a bucket of water, the wash basin which is like a pan, a wash cloth, a towel, nail brush, cup, paper towels and Ivory liquid dish detergent.

Mother made me take off all my clothes and lather up my birdie and balls with the bar soap while the family all watched. She made me rub it good and it stood up erect and hard. Then she grabbed a hold of my birdie and lathered it up. She made me bend over and my little sisters rubbed the soap over my rec tal opening and soaped it up good. I was standing in the empty wash basin and she told my sisters to rinse off my opening. They dipped the cup in the bucket of water and drizzled the water over my hole to rinse off the soap. The water ran down over the backside of my balls and dripped into the basin I was standing in.

Then I was ordered to stand up and rinse off my birdie and the front of my balls. My sisters poured more water over my bird and balls until the soap was gone. My bird was throbbing hard. Mother stepped over to me and grabbed my erect bird and examined it and then she bent me over and ran a finger up and down in my rec tal opening. Then she had each of my little Sisters run a finger along my rec tal opening. Mother said that my foreskin should be washed with the liquid Ivory soap. She pulled my foreskin all the way back and squirted the liquid Ivory dish detergent on my erect shaft. She rubbed it all over my shaft and my balls and told me to bend over again.

My sisters squirted the Ivory soap on my rec tal opening and rubbed it in. Then I was rinsed again by my sisters. I stood up and they poured a cup of water over my wobbling bird and the water ran down over my balls. Mother handed the nail brush to my sisters. She told them to give my bird a good scrubbing. They scrubbed my shaft, balls and bent me over to scrub my opening. Then they rinsed everything again.

Mother told the girls to inspect it and see if it was clean. They examined my bird, balls and opening as they dried them. Then I was told to go stand in the center of the room until my bird went soft. Mother said I couldn’t be sent to bed with it that hard because I couldn’t be trusted. She said it should be put in a bird cage at night so I didn’t abuse it. Mother said I should be circumcised. She said all boys should be circumcised and she is going to go ahead and get it cut to her preference. He said it would be marked for life with her choice, and that’s as it should be.

I stood there as they all looked at me and my bird was dripping clear liquid and pulsing. Mother handed a paper towel to my sister and said, ‘Wipe that thing.” She wiped off the dripping from my birdie. Mother said I brought this on myself by not washing my bird when I was told to. She said she had enough of my disobedience and it was time for a change beginning with getting me circumcised. She said she was ordering a cane and she was going to start using it daily.

The next day I had to wash my bird again, the same way. Mother invited nurse Julie, a BSN and next door neighbor over to make recommendations on circumcision. Julie has a younger sister, Brenda who is 12 and my classmate, who wants to become a nurse like Julie. Julie brought her along. They watched as I washed my bird and then nurse Julie examined it and discussed circumcision with Mother. Brenda stood at her side absorbing the view of my stiff bird and the details of circumcision, a permanent mark of Mother’s authority.

Nurse Julie suggested a hot soapy enema is the logical extension of my cleaning and would provide a learning opportunity for Brenda and my little Sisters and increase my drive to satisfy Mother’s desires.

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