My brother had tourettes, he was older than me by 3 years. When we were growing up he could blend in with the other kids easily, but as he got older and

7 years

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My brother had tourettes, he was older than me by 3 years. When we were growing up he could blend in with the other kids easily, but as he got older and went to high school he couldnt hide the fact that he was different from the other kids anymore and it hurt me to see him hurt. He was picked on a lot, but i was friends with a lot of people and as soon as i started high school i made sure that people knew that he was my brother and it wasnt okay. He was so sweet and he got excited over little things he loved. Something i feel guilty about is that, one day he came into the kitchen, and he was talking about this new movie that was based on a video game he liked, it was coming out and he thought it was cool, he asked if i wanted to go see it with him the next day. I said “no, that sounds stupid.”. . .That was a few years ago, im 19 now. I still think about that night for some reason, the sad look in his eyes when i said no so rudely. The countless times i had the chance to be there for him when he thought he had no friends, when he spent his nights alone and sad, feeling like nobody loved him. I heard people call him an idiot to him in the hallway. I saw how hurt he was. He committed suicide in december. And every time i think back to that night in the kitchen and many more times after that, i should have been there for him. I know he left this world feeling he was alone and unloved but i loved him, he was my brother. And i would die just to have him brought back, so that he could live again and have a better chance at the happiness i know he was desperatly trying to find. .

New Confession

You know that day you told me how you thought you were in love with me? That you were anxiously waiting to tell me how you feel? Well, I was feeling that way too. I’ve been feeling like that this entire time. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in the moment. I didn’t know how to process it. I still don’t. But you make me feel so incredibly different. It’s uncomfortable, uncanny and here to stay. You make me want to be a better person in the hopes that we make something beautiful.

But what’s really holding me back isn’t my fear of intimacy. Or the fact that I’m completely avoidant. What holds me back from embracing this newfound love is her. I look just like her. My middle name is hers. We have the same interests, the same smile, the same everything. I understand you’ve known me longer than her, and that you liked me before you even met her, but I don’t know. I’m scared that you only like me now because you see her in me.

I appreciate the rekindling of our friendship, it means so much to me as it does to you. But I’m afraid of these feelings we have for each other. I really do like you. I would go as far as to say I love you. But I’m scared that you only love me because of her.

I’ll say what I would like to say to you here.

Being around you is such a privilege in my life. I understand that you think you’re indebted to me, but honestly, it’s the other way around. You’ve shown me that I’m capable of a love that I don’t want to run from. You are so generous, and hilarious, and incredibly handsome. To rekindle with you has been such a rollercoaster, and I never want to get off. I just hope that you like me for me, and not who you see in me. I really really like you. It’s making me freak out. I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I’d like a life with you.

But naturally, I can’t bring myself to say this to you face to face. Even if you wear your heart on your sleeve.

I like you so much. I’m sorry I’m scared.

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.