I am 29 and confused. I have been confused about my sexuality all my life. I happen to be the girl next door, blond and blue eyed and a high school

7 years

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I am 29 and confused. I have been confused about my s******** all my life. I happen to be the girl next door, blond and blue eyed and a high school cheerleader. I am very much in shape and work out regularly. I am also a high achiever and make over a 100K and can pretty much do what I want. Well except that I am confused about my s********.

I dated this girl, she is an engineer. She is an engineer and pretty Alpha. I liked it but I couldn’t handle it, I am just not that passive. I dated this other girl, she is an elementary school teacher, soft, nice, pretty, motherly. I just couldn’t. And this brings me to my confusion, I didn’t so much date as met a guy from work, he wasn’t too much interested in what I thought, he pushed me into it and the next morning I got sick from regret. Puking sick. I am so scared that I go buy the Morning After pill. I never told him it was my first time with a guy. I never told him that I had several times with several other women.

But I can’t forget him or get him out of my mind. Around him I am just about as stupid as that elementary school teacher was with me, blah blah blah, anything to be close to him. I get myself transferred to his division to be close to him. I am stupid drunk in my mind I don’t know what other words to use. Sure I have gotten better at s**, it’s not quite the same. I don’t so much enjoy it as I feel I need to be relieved. But I am not able to walk away from my constant crush cycle with other women, nor have I been able to walk away from hooking up with another woman, she is a Marketing Rep and she is exciting and she is beautiful, just my type. And making love with her is enjoyable, I just never have that felling of being relieved. From one bed to the other, I am cheating on both of them.

New Confession

You know that day you told me how you thought you were in love with me? That you were anxiously waiting to tell me how you feel? Well, I was feeling that way too. I’ve been feeling like that this entire time. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in the moment. I didn’t know how to process it. I still don’t. But you make me feel so incredibly different. It’s uncomfortable, uncanny and here to stay. You make me want to be a better person in the hopes that we make something beautiful.

But what’s really holding me back isn’t my fear of intimacy. Or the fact that I’m completely avoidant. What holds me back from embracing this newfound love is her. I look just like her. My middle name is hers. We have the same interests, the same smile, the same everything. I understand you’ve known me longer than her, and that you liked me before you even met her, but I don’t know. I’m scared that you only like me now because you see her in me.

I appreciate the rekindling of our friendship, it means so much to me as it does to you. But I’m afraid of these feelings we have for each other. I really do like you. I would go as far as to say I love you. But I’m scared that you only love me because of her.

I’ll say what I would like to say to you here.

Being around you is such a privilege in my life. I understand that you think you’re indebted to me, but honestly, it’s the other way around. You’ve shown me that I’m capable of a love that I don’t want to run from. You are so generous, and hilarious, and incredibly handsome. To rekindle with you has been such a rollercoaster, and I never want to get off. I just hope that you like me for me, and not who you see in me. I really really like you. It’s making me freak out. I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I’d like a life with you.

But naturally, I can’t bring myself to say this to you face to face. Even if you wear your heart on your sleeve.

I like you so much. I’m sorry I’m scared.

Related Confessions

I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.