I am forever in love with my ex boyfriend, whom I hurt so much. I had a recent event dealing with my ex which caused us to talk at a party, and kiss and

8 years

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I am forever in love with my ex boyfriend, whom I hurt so much.
I had a recent event dealing with my ex which caused us to talk at a party, and kiss and such and it brought back old feelings I had for him, and I realized something too
I was a horrible girlfriend
I was pretty drunk at the party too, and so was he so we weren’t able to talk much about our true feelings, well we did but it was drunk talking and I don’t remember much
But I wanted to say so much to him
I wanted to apologize for being a liar
I wanted to apologize for being a bad girlfriend, but then I remembered that he was also a bad boyfriend too
He was manipulative, he caused me to stop talking to certain friends and he wanted to make me into a person I could never be
That caused me to feel closeted to him and lie to him becuase I wanted to with him, but at the same time I just wanted to have my freedom and be who I wanted to be.
I wish we had more time and we’re more sober to talk more about each other
We are both toxic for eachother, but the hope that I have for him is still with me
I want to reconnect with the one true person that knows me, understands me and who I am in love with.
I can tell he loves me too, but I feel as if he is trying to protect himself from me
And I feel so horrible
We haven’t talked since our recent encounterment but I’m so scared to talk to him, he probably won’t text me back
He’s that type of person to do that
I’m still in love with him, and we have been on and off for three years
I feel as if he’s the one meant for me, I can’t find anyone else that can compare to him, nor do I want to spend my time on them
It’s a endless repeat of us coming together and hurting each other
and there are only two options to this:
To actually talk about our problems and work through them and if that doesn’t work out, then we go our separate ways
Or just don’t try again
And leave it in the past
But I want to try it again
I’m not too sure he wants to too
I needed to let this off my chest, I don’t want to talk to my friends about this
So if you read this, thanks for going through it.
I also never cheated on him if that’s what you were thinking,
It was I just didn’t tell him certain things, and I lied a bit too
Which caused me to go into a deep depression
Oh another thing
On our last breakup (we had three)
He pretty much left me for another girl
And it shattered my heart
I think that what he did to me was 10x worse than what I did to him
And I want a apology from him too
I only want to talk and reconnect with him
I just need him to text me first
:/

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.