This story is kind of long, I'm sorry for any typose. I just wanted someone to read this.I lost my virginity when I was 15. Blackout drunk... I feel very

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This story is kind of long, I’m sorry for any typose. I just wanted someone to read this.I lost my virginity when I was 15. Blackout drunk… I feel very ashamed and regretful and I feel like I can’t confide in most my friends and have them fully support how I feel about the whole mess. My boyfriend -who was actually there, and I’ll explain more later- only gets mad at me when I’m up late in tears and even attempt to vent to him.

The story starts a few months back when I finally started talking to my crush on the bus, a guy I had admired since the fourth grade. We will call him Brown. I was a freshman, he a senior. He always so kind to me, especially then. We talked for hours on end every day after school on SnapChat. I told him several, very secret, secrets. On the bus he had always been so nice to me, and for a small minute I had thought that maybe he had finally seen me, that he was finally going to realize that we were meant to be.

Two months rolled by quickly, so quickly. Prom days were coming close and I was so hopeful my bus crush was going to ask me. I endlessly babbled to my friends about it, soaking the confirmation in that he ‘most-definitely had to surely like me.’ And then the day came, scrolling through Facebook, a very cute promposal made out to an age appropriate, very cute girl. Sincerely, Brown.

My heart was broken, the small amount of self-esteem I had pieced together fell apart and scattered across the cafeteria floors. My friends were ‘so so sorry,’ and my mind was filled with ‘you really didn’t even need him’ and ‘hes not even that cute.’ This felt like the worst thing to have ever happened to me, even after the countless hurdles my young self had already endured.

Fast forward to the end of the summer. I hadn’t talked to Bus Crush since that day, cutting him mostly out of my life, refusing his smiles and kind gestures on the bus. Trying to ignore the way my heart beat quickened when he walked down the aisle or said my name. Repressing the thoughts and fantasies of us being a happy, stereotypical high school couple. I had talked to few other people over the summer, but nothing compared and no one truly wanted me. Not like I had thought Brown had.

My friend had gotten kicked out of his house, for some undeniably wrong reasons that I will keep out of my own confessions. A story that is not mine to tell. That being said, he had been staying with me for the majority of the summer. It was usually just him and myself in the house, mother away at work and my siblings with our father. But, as the summer came to an end he had decided to move in with his own father, states away. As much as this broke my heart, I knew I couldn’t make him stay. And in all reality he was probably better off there. We decided to properly bid him farewell, we absolutely MUST throw a genuine high school party.

Now, we were definitely not the most popular kids in our very small, quirky school. So you could see why we didn’t expect more than 10-15 people to show up. But, to our amazement a good 50 people showed. Some who didn’t like us, some who were out closest friends, and one very handsome bus crush.

He seemed to have come out of nowhere, hugging me in a warm, inviting greeting. Sending shocks through my body and making my stomach do actual flips.

That was all we talked that night. He was caught kissing another girl, the same one he slept next to in my bed that night. One who wasn’t his girlfriend -Ms. Prom Queen- and one who wasn’t me. I was hurt, but nothing like what I had felt before.

I should also mention that my current boyfriend, who we will call Trenton, was there this night. Staying with us until the wee hours, talking to me as Brown lay next to his newest catch by the bonfire where no one was looking. Trenton didn’t stay, but he did come back.

We now come to approximately 11:30 in the morning. My friend and I just waking up, everyone who had stayed from the party gone from under their beer cans and bags of chips, only a mess left for us to clean. And then a knock came to our doors, a noise so foreign, something we hadn’t heard all summer.

Behind the door revealed Trenton, a little dirty from the few hours he had worked earlier in the morning, his breath still smelling of alcohol and his hair poking in different directions. Trenton was not close to us, never had been, I had hardly spoken to him until last night. Just imagine the shock on our faces when he stepped inside, a toothy grin plastered on his face.

I was incredibly curious as to what he could possibly be here for. Did he forget something? We all sat in a short lived, awkward silence. And then it came, Trenton had made a proposition. He wanted another party, smaller this time, only close friends. I reluctantly agreed and told him he could invite whoever, we would start at 9. And as I got ready I could only think about Trenton, and how this must mean we’re getting closer.

9 came quickly and we had a giant bottle of our small town’s cheapest vodka and whiskey, accompanied with a 24 pack of Bud Light. I had just three friends there, Trenton had brought one. And his name was Brown.

I hadn’t eaten much in a few days, living on the few dollars my friend and I had left from what we could swindle out of our parents. I had started to feel tipsy after just my first drink, not knowing then that both of these boys conspired to get me drunk, quick.

We first started with beer pong. The cups filled with water, mixed drinks in one hand and a ball in the other. I was on Brown’s team, and we were kicking a**. Our connection was thriving and I couldn’t have been happier, the nagging thought of his girlfriend fading with each sip of my drink.

And then it was break time. Time to take shots, really.

I stumbled into the hallway to find the bathroom and Brown had followed me, waiting outside the door for me to come out. As soon as my body was in his grasp he bombarded me with yet another hug, his skinny arms wrapping around my back and squeezing me tight. I wasn’t sure what to do and my mind was foggy, so I began to tell him how he’d hurt me. How I truly though he was going to ask me to prom and we would be together now. His response was as followed:

” Oh wow, I’m so sorry man. I wish we would’ve started talking sooner….” I lost my memories of what was in the middle but the end goes: ” And you’re, like, so hot…” Blah blah blah.

The small party continued on with a very drunk bunch of teenagers playing a game called quarters. In that time we drank the entire case of beer, followed by more shots.

This is where the bits and pieces fade, lost forever.

Brown had gone outside with the whiskey and in all honesty, I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t care right then. Because right then I was wedged behind the kitchen table, sliding closer to a very sad Trenton. Trying to focus on anything but his lips, he confessed that he had liked me. That all summer he couldn’t stop thinking about me, and how he couldn’t understand how no one had realized yet how truly amazing I was.

That was when we kissed, a very slobbery, drunken, first kiss. And I felt at peace, and my insides were burning with a passion, everything amplified with my very new teenage hormones. As we kissed, a slightly drunk Brown stumbled in, staring at us for what felt like seconds but was really minutes. I heard a wow followed by my name, and I looked up. My cheeks red from both the alcohol and the kiss.

It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened just then, and when it finally registered I stood up and left Trenton. Following Brown outside to apologize to him, tears stinging my eyes, feelings of regret and anger fueling my stumbling steps. I sat next to him and sobbed out an apology which quickly turned into my true thoughts. All of my pent up depression and loneliness came spewing out of my mouth. Things so personal and dark that I had never spoke even a drop of any of it to anyone. Anyone but Brown, all those months ago when he was my safe place.

And now here we were. Me crying in his lap, him telling me not to be sad because I was ‘so hot’ and ‘had a great a**,’ and my closest friend probably hitting at him and truly consoling me.

And then my mind skips.

A friend of my mom’s pulling into the driveway, me hiding by the house sobbing with brown, my friends telling her I was drunk and scared and going to bed.

And then it skips again

Me in the living room, behind a large towel my consoling friend was holding up as everyone sat on the couch watching. Me taking off my puke soaked shirt and exchanging it for an oversized one.

And it skips again.

A neighbor our age, one who was in love with me for years but now was dating a mutual friend and a very close friend of Brown’s, there to make sure Trenton didn’t drive home. Because Trenton was hurt, and angry, and I was off hiding with another guy. Then, I was hugging this neighbor, crying again to him, telling him how much I appreciated him as a friend. As he hugged me back he warned his close friend Brown not to hurt me, not to do anything with me, I was obviously too far gone and Brown was definitely sober enough to realize that.

And then it skips.

Me in the grass, telling Brown to stop. He comes up from giving me oral -somethig he had bragged about before,- and asks why. I tell him I’m embarrassed, I don’t like it. He stops, only to come up and kiss me.

Skips.

We’re in the dark, on a bed, I don’t know whose. I don’t know where in the house. We’re kissing. My consoling friend opens the door, no knock. Checking in on me, I realize then that we’re in my sister’s room, on her bed. I feel a little gross and look out the window as my consoling friend mumbles something to Brown. Something I later learned was a warning. Don’t touch her, don’t have s** with her, just get her to sleep. ‘ok’

Skip.

I’m going down on him and I come to a short realization of what is happening, I stop for a second.

Skip.

I’m on top of him and completely naked, his hand cupping my breast and pain sparking through my body. I tell him. It hurts. Can I stop? He laughs, his ego growing. ‘It hurts?’ I shrink a little, my coming to reality making me embarrassed again. It’s my first time I tell him. He stops thrusting as I lay still with his erection still in me. ‘Youre a virgin?’ Not anymore. I keep that to myself. He keeps thrusting.

Skip.

My clothes are back on, I haven’t a different bra on, I can’t find my phone. Neighbor is back to wake up brown and Trenton for work, I’m in my room, sleeping by myself. Neighbor says hi, tells me to sleep.

And then it’s approximately 11:30 am, the next day. Blood soaked my pants and the sheets. Still from losing my virginity, probably some spotting due to it all. My privates we’re sore, my eyes puffy, my lips chapped, my hair in a tangle, and my mind reeling. Trying to collect my thoughts I painfully sat up and looked for my friends. All but my roommate had left, not without cleaning all the cans, alcohol, and puke.

I told my friend I had lost my virginity. He was excited for me, I had finally nailed the guy I was after. My heart slowed as my true shame and guilt set in.

I didn’t let it show, not just then. I acted proud.

Brown apologized the next day. Said he shouldn’t have slept with me, and he told his girlfriend. Told her that we kissed, and I should say the same. They broke up. I haven’t really heard from him since.

New Confession

I make sure to painfully Brand all of my elf’s with a burning hot iron bar so they know they are my property.
And when an elf starts to malfunction, Ms clause throws them into the incinerator or rodulph puts one between their eyes 👀 while Blitzen drinks the blood splatter

Evil Santa Claus

Related Confessions

I lost my virginity to my mother, but it was not like it was loving or e***** or passionate. It was not a loving thing. I was a late bloomer and knew nothing about my own body or s e x. It was just her and me. I was 14 and had recently experienced my first w********. I was confused by all that but afraid to ask her. She found it on the sheets and waa disgusted and derogatory about it. She accused me of whatever m a s tur bation was (i did not know) and got otk bare bottol spanked. I was made to wear diapers to bed so that i did not mess the sheets. This was in cloth diaper days, so guess what, as soft as they were i accidentally discovered how it felt to sleep on my stomach and grind my hips against the mattress. An important point is that my g e n i t a ls had not really developed as far as growing larger, so a cloth diaper easily contained me when aroused. She just kept getting angry and spanking me. Ended up forced to sleep in her bed because she was tired of washing diapers and did not trust me not to abuse ot degrade myself. So over time i began to attach to the brief glimpses of her dressing or u*********. What little i saw was fascinating. I could not risk grinding to get off sleeping in her bed. And the spankings were rough. Rarely bruised but extended and very painful, i usually ended up in tears. One day i was walking down the hall to the bathroom and passed her (“our”) bedroom door, it was half closed. I saw her standing in front of a full length mirror, only in panyhose, her back was to me at an angle but i saw her reflected in the mirror. Bare breasted modest breasts, very large prominent n******, broad hips, classically shaped bottom. I stood there frozen and gawking as her hand was fondling her breasts and one of her hands slid down into her pantyhose and was moving. I felt something i could not describe and instinct had me opening my pants and touching myself. Not stroking just fondling myself. No surprise she notices me and gets angry, storms over to me, snatches me into her room, angtily calling me dirty filthy etc. Tells me it was not fair that she had to go without because of being a single mother and she wasnt going to go without any more because of me. Said i was hopeless and an abomination and she was sick and tired of having to watch over me when i would nevrr change. Told me to stand there and watch like a dirty sicko if i wanted to watch so bad and could not control myself. So i stood there afraid to touch myself with her right there in front of me and i watched confused as my mother resumed pleasing her body as if i were not there. I went back and forth between directly watching her and watching her reflection. She only noticed me again when she had caught her breath and saw i was fondling myself still, and she mocked me and called me pathetic for being whatever a dirty little j******* was and not being able to even do that right. She screamed at me to get out and i ran crying. She only ever mentioned it by telling me i was going back to my bed and still sleeping in diapers. I ground myself to climax over and over night after night and she ended up making me do all my laundry. Things changed after that. She fed and clothed me but i only existed after that. She pretended i did not exist and began no longer caring about closing doors or what she wore or did not wear. Told me i was going to be dirty and look so why should she not get to act as she wished and hidjng herself as a woman from my disgusting peeping. Over time it was not uncommon for me to walk by her open bedroom door and see her openly mas tur bating in many ways. Yes i always watched. Yes i always fondled myself. But i had not actually mas tur bated to o r g a sm yet. That came one day when i stood watching an extended period of her self pleasure as i was still fondling myself watching from her bedroom door. She got angry and called me pathetic that i couldnt even be good at abusing my body like a creep. She got a bath towel and laid it on the floor and made me stand on it and instructed me to take my p e n i s between my thumb and finger and directed me how to pleasure myself with my own hand. It was earth shattering as i had that o r g a sm and barely kept my feet. All she said was to make sure the towel was in the laundry. After that it was unspoken. If i saw her mastur bating, i got a towel to stand on when i watched. She would sometimee be naked or nearly so in the house and i would get a towel and do my thing and she paid veru little attention to me. It evolved to me even standing right by her bed and even kneeling on her bed watching closer. One day i forgot to get a towel and was kneeling beside her and came so fast it was on the sheets and across her stomach. She was very angry and i had to get a towel and clean her then change and wash her sheets too. We went through a period where i was pleasuring myself so much that i would watch but did not finish myself and would go to my room to finish. One day she found me touching myself and seemed genuinely worried that i was isolating myself and was degraded with the threat that i was never going to be a man. That hurt and angered me. There came a day when i was atypically bold and knelt between her legs watching very close and curiousity got the best of me. I reached out and touched the dark hair between her legs. She froze looking at me but did not say a word and i began to touch snd investigate more. She continues to fondle her breasts and even reached down and spread herself wide open. See that she asked me? That is what a real man wants not always jerking himself like a little boy. She even instructed me as i touched her. I assisted in her climax for the first time. After she even said it was a shame i did not have a real man’s body. She even tolerated me touching myself and squirtng on her belly and between her legs. This time she was gentle verbally. Asked me to get a towel and clean her up. The next time i did not act fearful. I got just as close and touched like i wanted. My world changed when she reached for me and pulled me onto her and had me rub against her. But she also mocked.me for how fast it happened and for not even being big enough or last long enough to get it inside. I was so hurt and angry. That night she woke when i climbed on her bed while she slept. I still remember how i hated her words. Look at you trying to be a man and take what you want. Just do what you are going to do with that dirty little thing and let me sleep. Not a word as i lay on her fumblimg for entry until she reached down and guided me into her. I was only just big eniugh to enter and get past the ring of muscle. It was unreal amd draining as i quickly climaxed inside her wet heat. Wben she told me to leave and go back to bed i knew i would be back. I was never allowed to stay the night in her bed but most nights i would walk in and she would just open her legs and tell me to do what i needed to do. I cannot imagine how many times this happened day after day. Silent resentful s** with grudging consent. All during high school. Frequently on the way to and from work when i got a job and moved out. Holidays. I would go over and she would be in the kitchen cooking and not even miss a beat. She would be wearing a dress and i would enter and stand behind her g**** her breasts and grind my hips against her and she would put her elbows on the counter, and i would grind against her spurting between her cheeks or thighs since even as an adult i am too small to enter from behind at all. Always told just do what you are going to do. All of it silent even as i cleaned her of my pathetic sin with a towel. Evem now when i pleasure myself i still see her looking at me with contempt, hear her telling me to just do what i need to do with that dirty little thing. I got therapy and finally broke free of my s***** addiction to her. But she is still the only one that i have had s** with and i am in my 40s now. I pay an e***** to hold me and be momny as i touch myself and she calls me her pathetic dirty little sicko and j*******.