This is a long one but I need to tell the whole backstory for my problem to make sense.

I am married since 3 years back. I’ve known my husband (Lets call him H) for a total of 5 years so we got married pretty quick.

When I first met H in 2013 I had this kind of semi-relationship-agreement with an American guy (Lets call him A) I’ve known since arround 2009.

I was never like fallen from the skies with H but he loved and still loves me. I think I settled with him because he was within reach and treated me well, what more can you ask for.

Within a few weeks of meeting H we had s** for the first time. Before we had s** I enlightend him about my “relationship” with A. We talked about it for a bit and came to the conclusion that it wasn’t really a relationship but only some kind of agreement between me and A.

When I, a couple of weeks later told A about the s** with H he got mad at me, understandably. However he was more mad about me taking so long to tell him than over the actual s**.
We then proceded to barely speak to eachother for about 1-2 years.

We became friends on social media again after about a year.
After this I got so jealous every time I saw A in pictures with girls or when he recived compliments from them.

Recently I and A have had more contact with each other again. Casual friendly contact at least on a weekly basis.

A is so adventurous, out hiking and traveling all the time. And good looking to boot.

H and I are more couch-poatoey. Playing a lot of games both tabletop and digital. Watching movies. Which I like doing but that is what we have been doing for 5 years now. Every time we try to do anything else it just result in us not doing anything at all.
H and I never fight but we don’t really do anything else either.

I’m starting to doubt my marriage with H. I’m starting to think I still have a crunch in A like before I met H.
Am I doubting my self and my fielings and imagining things only because I’m bored?
Did I make the wrong choice between H and A?

I regret never going to America to meet A before I met H. But I also think that it maybe was good that I never met him in person when I was younger because I was sooo stupid when I was young.
Now I have more experience. I’m more grown up. I know what I want and how I want it.

I don’t want to tell H about how my feelings are right now. I’ve noticed how I’m distancing my self from him. And I feel guilty for doing so.
I’m not giving him as much hugs and kisses as I used to. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s a nice guy and I don’t want to be that bich that throws her self in to a marrige just to get a divorce a few years later.

And I don’t want to ask A about how he feels about me because I don’t want to lose him as a friend, again.

I don’t want to be stuck in this hamster wheel of I life I’m currently living.

I want to see the world and not be like everybody else who gets married and then gets children house a desk-job and a dog.

Many people say that you should think about your self. What makes YOU happy.

But if I start poking arround in this mess that maybe only is a part of my fantasy due to boredom I am going to hurt so many people and lose my only friends.
My family will think I’m stupid because right now I have a good job house and husband and a fairly safe future.
H’s family will hate me. H will probably also hate me or become depressed again as he was some time before I met him. I will ruin his life if I leave him.

A probably does not like me as more than a friend anymore. If I ask I will probably lose him forever and he is my longest friendship. What ever I do, I do not want to lose him.
And if A happen to still love me I would feel to guilty to leave H and would only be more sad than I am now.

And if I never get to know I will probably always be a bit sad and feeling like something’s missing…

It’s messes like this that makes me want to end my life. All my problems would end if I ended my life but I feel guilty just thinking about it.
And I know I would make do many people sad if I actually did it.

I think too much.