My husband caught me self-harming last night and thinks I was trying to kill myself. I’ve had depression and self-harm urges my whole life and sometimes if I indulge them a little they leave me alone for a while. He knows I used to do it growing up but until last night he didn’t know that I started again.

Usually I wrap a belt around my neck and tie one end to a doorknob, and just kind of hang there a little until it hurts but isn’t enough to lose consciousness. Going through the motions and hurting myself a little bit quiets the voices in my head that are always yelling at me to kill myself. I haven’t ever let it go far enough to actually cause permanent harm. I just want to hurt sometimes.

Last night he caught me doing it and is convinced I was attempting suicide. I keep trying to explain that I wasn’t going to go through with it, and that just flirting with the motions of suicide actually keeps the suicidal feelings in check. I feel so incredibly guilty because I love him so much and I can’t bear the thought that I caused him so much pain. At the same time I also can’t promise that I’ll never do it again.

I know it’s not healthy but I’ve been mentally ill my whole life and I don’t know how to get better. I went on meds as a teenager but I just felt dead inside in a different way than what the depression caused. My husband is the most precious thing I have in life and I think I just did permanent harm to our marriage when he found out my secret.