1st of all, forgive me for my bad english. I understand this is a sensitive topic and confession and I understand if you are disgusted by my actions and wish the worst for me. I do too. I only want my life back.

I’ve always been a loner and a person with social issues, especially in my early teens. When I discovered p***, I was 11 or 12: initially I used to get off to drawings of cartoon characters from my favourite shows, lolicon h***** and things like that. Since I was a kid I did actually look for characters that were more or less my age. I ended up on accident on a IRL b********* site once, and I don’t know why but I liked it. It felt strange, disgusting but idk… I guess my old self related to the whole filthyness of it. I know it seems vague but I don’t really remember the details of what was going through my mind in my early to mid-teens, I wasn’t conscious about my actions. Then, one day, clicking on one video I ended up on a CP site by accident. I was very young, like 13-14, and it was people of my age. From then, I gradually started to get hooked on it, searching for it, and throughout my teens I kept doing it. I feel so dirty and ashamed just talking and thinking about it that I just feel like crying. The thing is, it felt strange. It felt like I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing. My everyday life was completely unaffected by it, I had my teenage relationships like everyone else and my own personal experiences. I think the only time I have actually gotten off to the actual fantasy of a little girl was once when I was 11, firstly discovering m***********, and I have never done that anymore. All my irl infatuations and fantasies have always been about people of my age. But even then, knowing what I was doing secretly, even when people talked about pedophilia and issues related to that… it didn’t even connect. It felt like what I was doing was completely distinct and distant from my actual life. I am 20 now, I have stopped completely to do that since 9 months or so, after having a strange epiphany. I think my mind caught off with my own actions and suddenly realized the dirtyness of the habit I had developed. It’s just that now I feel so guilty and ashamed and disgusted by myself that I just want to die.

I have to add that I was also looking at adult p***, and also I was still looking to lolicon h***** and underage cartoon-related p*** comics. … but since stopping, I still felt completely disconnected from it. For the last 8 months, I have gotten off to the things I have said above and only, while never thinking about my past actions. But 3 days ago, it suddenly manifested itself. The guilt, the suicidal thoughts… and for the first time in my life right now I have actually started to doubt being an actual p********. I have never searched for little kids, mostly pubescent and j*******, but right now everytime I think about it I seem to convince myself of being a hebephile/p********, I connect allt he dots in my head and it seems more than probable. But I just don’t know, it also feels like i’m conditioning myself and that the rightful shame I feel about myself and what I done is making me hating myself so much that I have to find a way to prove it to be true.

Please, help. I know i do not deserve it. i’m filthy, disgusting. I also need to find a way to redeem myself, I thought about reporting the sites and helping the against child p*** war through these reports anonimously, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible. I just don’t want to destroy my life because of the mistakes i made when i was too young to understand. I do not want anyone to be hurt, I hate it, please help me. only thinking about the pain i indirectly caused makes me want to throw up. iw ould never harm anyone, i hate suffering, i don’t know why i did what i did