I am so going to hell for this. Several years ago, when I was 11, I was inappropriately touched by one of my older cousins. I let him do it several more times after that. I can’t remember how long it went on for, but my parents found out and he went to jail and I had to go to therapy. I didn’t want my parents to think I was bad so I told them he made me do it. Now that I am 22 and have a steady relationship with a good guy, I feel kind of bad that sometimes when we are being intimate, I still think of what happened to me back then and pretend it is him doing me. I know I should feel bad about it, but thinking back on the thrill it gave me to have a secret forbidden relationship with him still really gets me off. I have to struggle with my self mentally to overcome the urge to want to act like I am still too young for s** and in a forbidden relationship with my bf when we do it.