My step-dad was a pretty great guy, if you ignore the booze, coke, and steroids. I remember having a lot of fun when he was around; he practically let me get away with murder. Maybe it was the drugs that made him fun, I don’t know, don’t really care. But when I was about 13 or 14, he started to molest me. It didn’t stop until I was around 16 and he was divorcing my mom.

Anyway, because he was the closest thing I’d ever had to a real father-figure, I still feel guilty about him leaving (I’m nearly 30 now). I can’t help but wonder, if I’d let him do more, would he have stayed? I’m sure I’d be more disgusted with myself than I am already, but I can’t help missing him in my life.

I remember once, for example, when I was 14, he came into my room and we started talking about p***, he asked if I knew how to give head, and he showed me his c*** (it was big soft, he said it’s 8 inches hard). I hit his arm and rolled my eyes, told him he acted like a teenage boy.

When I was 15 we went out for a drive at night. He parked the car, put one hand on my thigh, and the other round my neck, and he kissed me, tongue and all.

I wonder if I’d asked him to teach me how to give a guy a b******, or if I’d returned the kiss, or any number of other things that could have happened back then, if he’d still be around? Would he still be part of my life? And gods I must be fucked up to want him around after everything. But I’m still here, regretting, wanting him back, willing to let him, my own step-father s******* abuse me, if it meant we could go back to the way things were.