I am a terrible person. I hurt someone who just wanted to love me. He was there for me through so much and I did not appreciate him. All I could think about was my own feelings. I let him move out of state without even seeing him to say goodbye. Now that he is gone I feel so awful. After the things he did for me the least I could have done was see him off. We talked on the phone that day but when he asked if I wanted him to come and see me I said no. I was only thinking of myself. And thinking about all the feelings he has for me and that I didn’t want to get his hopes up. That was so stupid. He was about to leave. It would not have hurt to spend some time with him and to give him a hug and thank him for what he did for me. I mean I owed him that much. I realized it too late though. Now I want to hug him but I can’t. And I keep thinking about all that c he did for me. I really don’t know what I was thinking that day. I should have been able to put my feelings aside and express some appreciation to him. He wants me to go and visit him. He said he would pay for the ticket but I don’t feel like I deserve anymore kindness from him. This really is a messed up situation. I tried to end the friendship a few times. I really wish he had never met me. I couldn’t just be honest in the beginning and tell him that I wanted to just cut things off because his feelings were bothering me so much. I kept the friendship going and I ended up going back and forward on my feelings for him and I really made a mess of things. I have such trouble just saying what’s on my mind at times and that’s how we ended up being friends. I don’t have the guts to be honest with people because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but then it ends up doing just that. I wish I could go back in time and just stop calling him. I asked him for space a couple of times and I ended up calling him back everytime. I don’t understand why. Maybe I did feel something GB for himand didn’t know it or something. I don’t know but I really hate myself right now. I always make the dumbest mistakes and I don’t realize until later on exactly what I should have done. I don’t know how to move past this. I am stuck and I feel like I just want to lie down and die. I know we all make mistakes in life but mine always seem to feel so much bigger than everyone else’s. He is the sweetest guy in the world. I hate myself. I keep messing up so much. Why am I even here, Lord? It doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t seem real. I don’t know how to move on from this. It’s sitting right at the forefront of my thoughts. I can’t see any way around it. I just don’t think sometimes. And I’m so young. I have all this time left to live with this. I feel trapped in my life. Never asked to be here in the first place.