my boyfriend told me how much he wants to marry me and how he wants to spend his life with me. and yet here I am texting another guy telling how much I

9 years

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my boyfriend told me how much he wants to marry me and how he wants to spend his life with me. and yet here I am texting another guy telling how much I wanna s*** his d*** and dreaming about kissing him. The other guy tells me how much he just wants to cuddle me and pet my hair and whisper sweet nothings into my ear, and I’ve fallen so hard for him. I hate this, i’m not in love with the other guy i just wanna be f*** buddies since he does have a girlfriend. We keep it super secret. And he’s the only one I feel like I can tell my relationship problems to. I love my boyfriend but my life has become too mundane. I’m only 20, and i’ve only had s** with him. I want to figure out myself in other people, i want to find my faults and go on s***** dates and have horrible s**. I want the full experience of life and be in uncomfortable situations. I dont even know where i’ll be next week so how am I suppose to say how I want to spend the rest of my life? I want to have s** with this other guy and not hurt my boyfriend.

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Theres pisss all over my body

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I hate myself so much for my attachment issues. I always hurt the people I care about because I get attached easily and start caring too much. When someone I am so attached to stops messaging back, paying attention to me, and caring, I do crazy things to check if they are online and just ignoring me. I don’t stop until I discover who they are giving all their attention to, and then I’ll start stalking the person they talk to more often than me. It’s way worse when it’s out of the blue, which makes me more inclined to find every piece of information about that person. I know I am in the wrong for doing this, and after the person eventually finds out about this, I panic and pressure them to forgive me and stay. I don’t justify my actions, I do believe I’m weird, creepy, and evil, but I care too much to let the person go. It works a lot, and I feel like a manipulator. I want to stop seeking strong friendships and relationships because I know that in the end, both of us will end up hurt. The harsh reality is that I also go crazy when I don’t have anybody to obsess over. I can never win.