I just had to lie to my best friend about the day of my birthday party so he can't go because I'm too afraid to face the fact that he's fallen 100% in

9 years

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I just had to lie to my best friend about the day of my birthday party so he can’t go because I’m too afraid to face the fact that he’s fallen 100% in love with me and I’ll never feel the same because I already found the one. Besides, my boyfriend is coming to the party and I told him about this situation because I wanted him to trust me and thought I owed him my honesty. I still feel like s*** for doing this to someone who has been nothing short of an amazing friend but at this point I have no other choice. He can’t let me go so I’m doing him a favor and helping him move on the only way I know how, gradually ghosting him until our bond dies out completely. I love my boyfriend and will always choose him, but it still kills me inside to do something like this. I’m trying to make this as painless as possible but I already hate it.

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I hate myself so much for my attachment issues. I always hurt the people I care about because I get attached easily and start caring too much. When someone I am so attached to stops messaging back, paying attention to me, and caring, I do crazy things to check if they are online and just ignoring me. I don’t stop until I discover who they are giving all their attention to, and then I’ll start stalking the person they talk to more often than me. It’s way worse when it’s out of the blue, which makes me more inclined to find every piece of information about that person. I know I am in the wrong for doing this, and after the person eventually finds out about this, I panic and pressure them to forgive me and stay. I don’t justify my actions, I do believe I’m weird, creepy, and evil, but I care too much to let the person go. It works a lot, and I feel like a manipulator. I want to stop seeking strong friendships and relationships because I know that in the end, both of us will end up hurt. The harsh reality is that I also go crazy when I don’t have anybody to obsess over. I can never win.