I live in florida, im 23 years old, currently unemployed and Im at the police academy.
Its about halfway done now and im reaching my breaking point. No amount of physical pain compares to my past of theft and fraud. I have never been caught. I havent applied to an agency because the polygraph test is what haunts me. Im mustered the balls to tell other students a little of my past but no matter how hard i try, i keep hearing the same story. Someone who has commited a crime in his/her past, applys for the academy and never becomes a cop. They always end the story with “why would he want to be a cop?” Or “what makes them think we could trust them?” And theyre right. What if i never get to be the person i want to be because of the bad hings ive done? I have a small history of taking things from stores but giving them back, i have stolen around $350 cash using 1) short changing, 2) palming cash from the register, 3) using duplicate reciepts to return cash bought items that werent even purchased. I loved those people i worked with too, why would i ever do something so awful to them and keep the straight face i always have. I swapped a ps4 card to get an extra $50 free for one i didnt purchase at walmart, i palmed a $10 ps4 card and put it back after memorizing the code and scratching it away so the buyer couldnt use it after they purchased it. All the time, planning how to do this and that, rarely doing it and never getting caught and now im here. I put everything into this, i stopped stealing, quit my job to get away from the register. I know im a greedy and desperate worm, but when i was a kid i wanted to be a hero to someone. I want to teach people and resolve immediate conflicts. I want to prevent anyone i work with from getting killed, id rather go in their place. I ask the questions in class no one else does so they dont get embarrassed. I feel like ive changed a little, my skin has gotten tougher, but i built this strength upon a guilty and hollow man who saw nothing but opportunity and timing and no remorse. No i didnt kill anyone but i might as well have. Im a hypocrite, sitting in class or trying to punch the bag, im still that hollow man deep down and i know it. I know that ive been tempted to steal again and again, i can still opportunity everywhere, it makes me feel sick seeing things like this. I want to be a good guy, but i wonder what the interviewer will say. “What makes you think i would hire you?” Or “why would you do those things?”

I was a greedy person, thats all there is to it. I cant hide what makes me human, i still feel guilty, and i know i couldnt be biased to others i meet who do the same things i did. I would want to give them a chance to turn in the things they took if they could, itd be embarrassing, but even if my family and friends hated me i would be able to live with myself at least, knowing that the bad i did isnt kept locked away anymore.