I had really convinced myself I was ready for it but I was not. Maybe there is no truly being ready for it. He gave me everything I had asked for, was so

4 years

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I had really convinced myself I was ready for it but I was not. Maybe there is no truly being ready for it. He gave me everything I had asked for, was so gentle about it. Warmed me up until I was begging for it. But as I was head down a** up and the pressure of his c*** pushing unto my a** got too intense I was panicking. Not like I had not tried toys countless times. But something about it being a real c*** was different. I tried to resist but his hands went to my hips and then a quick burning sensation and my body and head were fighting it. I was saying no please don’t in my head I have no clue if I was saying it out loud. I was shaking and felt my a** quivering and trying to push him out but the head was in. I was squirming and he gently talked to me and stroked my back. Swearing he would make it good for me. Then his hands were on my hips again and he pushed all the way in. I actually was conscious of his balls against mine. I was gasping and moaning and the intensity was so much. He slowly pulled back and I stupidly thought he was going to pull out but he thrust deeply again. By this point I was sobbing and clawing the sheets trying to desperately squirm away. It was not painful it was just too intense. My head was screaming for this not to happen, do not let another man put his c*** in your a**. But he just kept slowly pushing and withdrawing and my head was a wreck. He started moving a little faster and I felt so ashamed of myself and vulnerable. At some point I felt my own urine running down my leg because every time he pushed deep my muscles were so gaped and weak I could not even hold my bladder. Barely able to breathe. I felt his weight more on me and he gently put me fully on my stomach. He laid on my back and slipped an arm under me and pulled my face out of my arms by grabbing the hair on the back of my head. Told me to look in the mirror and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die seeing the helpless expression on my face. This is what you wanted he reminded me. This is what you asked me to do. And then he kept me looking at my own face and his as he began to truly f*** me. It seemed to go on forever and since he had lubricated me and himself so much he was effortlessly thrusting over and over. My head was a train wreck. Bouncing around from self shame and self loathing to god help me I really am a f** and omg how can this feel so f****** incredible. He told me to ask for it and I blurted out omg please f*** me. I was so exhausted and gaping and could barely breath while I was wailing loudly. And when it was time he told me to beg for it and as soon as I blurted out please c** in me he was sinking his teeth into my shoilder and growling as he made hard deliberate thrusts as deep as he could. Still seeing my own face in the mirror as he recovered laying on my back I could feel the wetness under my groin and realized I must have pissed myself. When his limp c*** fell out of me he got off me and went to the bathroom and got dressed and he said he was sorry I was feeling so ashamed and asked if i wanted him to go. I nodded and he left, saying only that he was not going to send me the video from his phone or delete it until I told him what I wanted him to do. Yes I had asked him to video him f****** me for the first time. The narcissistic virgin f** in me wanted that.

Hours of self hatred and shame and a shower later he texted me. Told me i had been very good as a first timer and he was sorry i clearly felt so much shame. He said he emailed me the video because he figured I would never be able to ask for it.

A few hours later and having watched the video multiple times i texted him and thanked him for forcing me to see my natural beautiful self. And asked him to help me be better for him. To please come back and f*** me again.

New Confession

Rae Rae, reach out to me.

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Living with aunt…..i found out why special surprise the next evening. That morning she again welcomed me to the shower and allowed me to touch myself. But when i got close to finishing she inatructed me to stop and to dry off and get out of the shower. Very frustrating and i pouted some and pleaded, and she was very angry. I ended up right back where i had been a couple of days ago, getting the hairbrush on my cheeks and thighs for a protracted time. She did not use the belt but after i was sobbing and pleading again she snapped at me, that this was why i needed to be cured of my addiction, i whined the minute i did not get to enjoy my body. While i did not get the belt, after reducing me to sobbing and begging, she turned the brush around and i got several agonizing minutes of the coarse bristles on my already burning backside. I was trembling and hurting and was nearly dragged back to the shower, ordered to stand there letting cold water spray on my aching backside and then facing it until my g e nit als were shrunken to near invisibility. I was a wrecked blubbering pathetic mess, and as she held me afterwards she again stressed that my behavior is what made me weak and she wanted to be proud of me for good behavior. She said she was proud of me for accepting her direcrion and punishment but she wanted me to be well behaved and not self destructive to begin with. She said these things in a loving way but there was no mistaking her when she said that punishments could be far worse than they had been. That she did not want me to force her to be that harsh but that it was up to me whether it happened.

At bedtime that day she instructed me to lay on my stomach, and she spanked me by hand, stinging and making me tear up but nothing like the hairbrush. As i lay there shivering and sniffling, she left and came back with wet towels to lay on my cheeks and backs of thighs to ease the pain. Once i was calmed down, she had me turn to spoon me and her hands gently stroked my skin. Dangerously close to my groin and arousing me but she said that just as punishment could get worse, the pleasure could get better if i behaved. So i vowed to myself to try harder to behave, because while i knew she loved me, i was also now frightened of her.

The next morning began a new morning ritual. She showered with me and let me play with myself but to reinforce her rule over me, every shower began with a standing light spanking by her hand, then bathing and allowing me to self pleasure, and then another standing shower spanking, this time with her hairbrush. As each day after day started this way, mas tu rba tion started becoming something that was associates with her control and the discipline, and my urges were dropping quickly. I began to see the morning showers as a duty or exercise in self discipline rather than a pleasure.

This was also when i had to make a daily report phone call to my mother by my aunt,’s direction, reporting whether i had disobeyed and confirming i was being spanked proactively. My mother was skeptical at first so thwt call i had to stay on the phone with my mother so she coulr hear the soanking and my crying as i was bent bare bottomed over the back or a living room char as i knelt on it.

The next door sisters/landlords, my aunt’s lifelong lovers, also began to drop in regularly and my aunt required me to report to them as well. My aunt started a calendar to track how often i had urges or waa allowed to and able to successfully play with myself.

To be continued.