I don’t know what else to do. I’ve talked to my therapist about this… (She thinks it’s silly but I don’t think she understands the extent of how i feel). I’ve talked to so many friends about it (they all think I’m crazy and tease me about it). Even my parents know about it a little bit.
I. Am. Madly. In. Love. With. My. Professor.
I have 9 months until I graduate. But it is eating away at my heart. He is so much farther along in life than I. But I don’t see that as bad it’s just different than me. I want to write him letters and seduce him in his office with the door shut and other naughty things. I won’t of course. But I’ve felt like this for a year and it still hasn’t gone away so.
I’m a 23F student, and have developed quite a crush on my 37M professor. I’m a fine art major, and he teaches art history. I want to get my MFA and teach at a higher level (what he does). I am just as passionate and driven about his subject of art history, and he also is an artist himself; so we do have quite a bit in common. I am taking my 3rd class with him, and still have this semester, and then the next until I graduate. I also am a work study at the art gallery at the school, so I am at the school almost everyday. I have been enamored with him since the first time I met him at a school outing to a museum. And I have several reasons to believe he might have feelings for me also. He will talk to me for 30 minutes or more before or after class, and has come into the gallery to talk before too. I always find excuses to email him about dumb questions for class, and he always responds and we will have little side conversations in those emails about our weeks. I keep a professional attitude regarding him, of course, because i don’t want to get him fired, and I know there are policies against anything more. He has shared to me about how he is quite lonely, as his family is out of state. He asked me the other day if he came off as a downer, and I said yes but only because i am lonely too. I feel a strong emotional connection. But I’m not entirely sure if he does too. But I guess we wouldn’t be able to talk about it anyway. I find him physically attractive. And we hugged the other day and his hand lingered on my waste a bit too long, so Im sure he doesn’t find me ugly. I feel we have a deep emotional connect, we just haven’t been able to talk about it freely. We have very similar interests, we both love intellectual, dark, romantic topics, plus he is a big gamer and I love video games. We have similar values, family is his most strongly valued thing by him, and I very much feel the same. Another thing is I am very mature for my age. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, and I feel i am emotionally and mentally mature beyond 23 years. This makes me feel very confident in myself and what I like (I don’t care what other people think about me/what i am doing). He has additionally told me that he really has no social life, he goes home after classes and plays video games all day. So I don’t feel I have any social hurdles to overcome if we were together.
The only thing I am worried about it this; he is so much farther along in His career than I. He is the Chair of the art department of the college. And I am just finishing undergrad. I plan on working a bachelor and master program in fine arts, and I could see myself going out of state for that. My freedom is very important to me. And yet I feel I would do anything for this man. He is everything I desire, respect, and want. I want his companionship.
I don’t know what to do. This love for him eats away at me every night – it keeps me up on nights like these. I will respect his position and will not do or say anything until I graduate. But when I do.. Should I talk to him? Ask him out for coffee or to the opera? Should I just leave my love for him to haunt me. Maybe he’s my enteral muse, and I can take that with me but leave him. But he’s lonely and so am I. I feel like the clique troubled artist anyway, why not add another stupid thing to the list…
Anyway. Thank you for reading this all, if you did. I don’t know what to do and it is eating away at me, so any advice is greatly appreciated.