My friend and i would masterbate with eachother. And eventually it turned into bjs. We were like 11 or 12. And i remember this one time he just got done giving me a bj and he told ne to c** all over his face. And i remember at that moment i felt so disgusting. And felt hatred toward gayness, and here i was, it was my turn to give him a bj. At that moment i told him i would just give him a h******. And after that i never did anything with another guy. But gayness has been around me my whole life. At age 4 my cousin who is 2 years older than me started being curious with me. And honestly thats the first connection where i felt loved. I remember when we would be by ourselves i would tell him we were gay. But i was only 4 or 5 at the time i didnt know. But then my mom caught us and we got in trouble but still kept everything a secret. But somewhere when i was 7 or 8 we just stopped. But for alot of years i dreamt of him. But would feel nasty because i knew what gay was then. And plus i started fooling aroumd with all my girl cousins and thats when i fell in love with woman. :). And to this day i represent myself as a heterosexual. But tbh ive been in addiction my whole life because of my cousin. But never once in my life have i had hate towards him. Ive always seen it as he was young too. But now he rarley talks to me when were around eachother witch hurts me a bit because hes family but also because just recently i looked back at my whole life and seen ive always been in addiction. I have an addictive personality. When i was around 5 i started gaining alot of weight and i see because i covered my feelings with food and sports and then i got skinny when i was 12 from making myself throw up. And was wrapped up in gangs. But i know why i was in a gang. Because it made me feel more of a man. And i love woman so it all kind of played out. But i ocassionally hungout with woman because i dedicated my life to my friends but now i am no longer connected witch has thrown me into another point in my life. So i am 19 bout to be 20 in the next couple days and have had 23 months out since i was 14. But i have left the gang life and it has left me with kind of no purpose. And to set the record straight i have nothing against homo sexuals. As long as they dont try and get at me. Over the last 1 and half i have had 5 gay guys try and get with me the first 4 i told that i was straight but i was fine. But this fifth one was my bestfriend since i was 4. And just recently we started hanging out again. And it was so cool because were so alike in hella different ways. And finally in life i found a friend. Because i forgot to mention that ive always been lonely in life lookn for a friend but just recently seen played back my life and seen that because remember i have been in addiction my whole life. So i either always kept a joke going or constantly doing something witch is quite smart for a kid if you ask me. Lol but anyways yea so we were talking about females and what friends do kikn it together really. But it was hella cool. We fucked to females together. But for me on both occasions i would let him go first with her. Because my d*** wouldnt get hard with him in the room. Plus both times he busted fast. But once he was out of sight i got hard like nothing. And another thing i forgot to mention is that i am very self concious about myself witch i hate because i never got big again and am pretty good lookn but not even trying to be conceited. Its just a great flaw that i have becaude even though i know and ppl always even tell me im a good looking guy. One lady once told me i look like mario lopez. Haha but enough tootn my own horn. The point is i always see myself as that little fat kid. But i am thankful because it gave me that good and nice spirited personality but not in a feminine type of way. I just show my love and grattitude towards my family,friends, or general ppl. And i wonder if thats why gayness has been around me so much. Because i let ppl be who they are with me. Like the very first guy who was trying to s*** me up , thanked me. He said hes never been so open with another human being. And it honestly made me feel good that i made someones day you know. But anyways back to being self conscious. Ever since i was little my guy and girl cousins would tell me i had a small d***. But given the time 5,6,7,8 i was a little kid. But my cousin who molested me did have a big d***. Also it would make me sad because my girl cousins would always touch his d*** when we played truth or dare. But they were all older than me, still it got to me. To this day i have dreams about f****** one of my girl cousin though. Kind of weird though because now that i have had actual woman thats not a turn on to me anymore. Plus every woman has told me that i have a nice p**** . I guess ive always been jealous of my cousin because he just had a monster. Ha. So about my best friend. So we were hanging out everyday but now im in another addiction witch is crystal meth. But i never stick with just one thing. Ill do meth for a little bit and then smoke weed , the. Drink, and now that im older my addictions are drugs and not natural fun things. But this also has deppresion witch is from meth and alcohol. Because when im sober i dont think as much kind of crazy. Its just from not sleepn good and always having ups and downs. Like drinkn and doing meth at the same time. But my friend right, when he started gettn comfortable because thats how i am with everyone you know. Cordial. I started picking up little gay remarks he would say but kind of descreetly. And he would be all sad. I beleive that i was in depression because of hanging out with him. I never asked him if he was gay though. But i did put it in word that let him know i knew what was going on with him. Because the words just wouldnt come out so i re worded it. And told him. ” why is it that you have a couple females but dont have s** with them.” And then told him “just know i know whats going on with you. Plus its probably really hard for a person too come out. And hes dealing with depression and suicidal. So im still generally tryna be a good friend. But i distance myself from him. And i had hella woman i was hanging out with. Not all of them to fool around with. Some just genuine friends. But i litterally lost all of them from hanging out with him. Cuz all he would want to do it do dope and hangout. Plus we got into writing poems and stuff tryna get through depression. And in a two month period of this last time of being locked up i started writing poems and then actual love songs. And i love love music r&b. Stuff like that. And im open with ppl on most stuff. I dont try and be somebody im not. I just do me and be the best possible person i can be. But writing poems and kikn it with one guy too look back at it is kind of gay. So it looked kind of like i putting myself out there. But overall i distanced myself. But what i shouldnt have done was of told him i knew what was going on With him. Because so overall i distanced myself from him got sober off meth. And just started smoking weed. Just generally workn on myself. But i kind of convinced myself maybe i was just on drugs and got things mixed up about him being gay. So hungout with him again. And right off the back he started throwing things out there . Like, ” i got so much love for you but more than a friend. ” and with me i hate being rude to ppl when sometimes i really should. So i just tried to not keep eye contact and kind of pretent he didnt just say that. But i was feeling myself gettn mad. But then later that night we were on the side of my house and i was moving something and hes said shhh the neighbors are gonna think were h******. And i just got so mad because it kind of discusts me to think about havn s***** encounters with another man. But it is kind of weird because i watch a lot of p*** and latley ive been throwing on gay p***. But i think i just like the fantasy of it. Like the naughtiness. Because always when i watch p*** it had to be some out of the ordinary category like grannies b**, lesbians fuckn with a s******. Things like that. And when i just recently looked up gay p*** it was either like friends first time. And they talk eachother into suckin eachother up. Because at that moment when im in the mode i think back to my friend i tried things out with. Because it did turn me on at that moment with him. Tbh but everytime im going to c** i think of beautiful woman even on the grannies or b**. That kind of just gets me hard. But i dont think i can ever let a man f*** me. Even when i was younger i never think that anyone has ever penetrated me. We were too you. We kind of just had eachother on eachother. And humped eachother. But my cousin when everything first started would try to kiss me. And it would make me feel sick. But anyways i told my friend off but not even bad i just told him no dude wtf why would they think we were h******?. And that i wasnt gay. And i took him home not that long after and blocked his number. Latley ive been feeling like really against gayness. Having thouse thoughts of hate. Because homosexuality has played such a big role in my life and im tired of it. Because when im locked up and sober and in the right state of mind i never think of gay things. Its only when i get high on weed. Because me and my friend who tried things out would smoking hella weed and then eventually he would usually ask i gave him a bj he would give me one. And sure when i was high and not in the right state of mind back then would be high and more s*****. Because when i smoke weed it tends to make me think of when i was little. But im just in a point in my life where i want to be happy. And being happy is havn kids and a wife a forever. But staying off drugs is key. 🙂 and tbh if you through on a gay p*** right now i would probably get hard because the naughtiness of it comes but once that nut cums i think of woman and feel nasty for watching it. But i am still in addiction so im not sure. But ik i love woman and love to pleasure them. But it was weird this time getting out. Now like from being locked up i kind of messed myself up because ill see there and constantly think of my p**** and what if its too small or what if shes had bigger. And i would have a peice of paper measured to 6 inch. And no matter how many times i measured and it measured up to that. I would do it over and over. And now it kind of s**** because i just had a beautiful girlfriend but for some reason i would be so self concious that my d*** would go limp because i was thinkn about it to much. But with females who arent as fine who i just recently messed with my d*** is fine. Its just the thought of her being so beautiful. That i think my p**** will never be enough for her. But everyday things are gettn better. I need to get back out there though and meet some more women because now im watching too much p***. Lol well i hope that something i said helped someone. And honestly writing this out made me feel alot better. Thanks for reading.