I was fine for a long time , and few days ago that feeling came back . The feeling that I had when I was 15-16 years old . I cut myself then, my legs are full of scars and few years ago I said to myself that I will never do that again and just before I got a flash of myself crying on the floor whit a rasor blade in my hands and bloody leg from the knee to the thigh . I would never do that again to myself but when i saw that picture a certain feeling of relief came to me and then shock . How fucked up can I be to think that ? I can’t realize what happend I was happy for some time now and I just don’t understand . Before it was because my dad was drunk every day , I had no social skills, my mum always told me don’t talk back to him so all I learned was not to talk back to anyone , my sister moved when I was 14 and she was my only support (I never told her that , I never told anyone this). That’s when it all started , me crying every day, cuting myself , and briefly never feeling happy , snapping to everything that my mum said to me and that is the only thing that I acctualy feel sorry about , I treated her terrible, I treated her like my dad did and I still haven’t said sorry to her . When I was 17 I finally started to think , I said to myself you can not act like that and i started to calm down, I opposed to my dad, he doesn’t drink that much anymore and I got better on my own . But I can’t show affection , I can’t explain my emotions and a lot of things that a person in a normal state of mind can . I never did and even if I want it more then anything there are no thoughts coming in my head . That’s how I lived all my life I couldn’t talk normally to anyone , I had to connect in some level with a person just to talk to them ! And it made me mad and sad in the same time . It made me feel so alone . It still does ! Now I can talk to people but I still can’t feel anything to anyone , he has made me strong and weak in the same time ! I don’t know how to explain .. Nothing can effect me , nothing except my own thoughts , you can tell me whatever you want and I will not care ! I taught myself just shut down and it will be easy . But it’s not ! It’s harder , now I don’t tell anyone my emotions , my thoughts or anything about myself and I believe it’s slowly eating me up from inside and there in no one to talk to . Actualy I believe there is but I can’t . I’m just sad . Day after day . At least this helped alot !
