A long time ago I went about telling some people about a certain artiste who brought bad luck whenever I hear them. One of them was a local radio DJ! That was when I was still in middle school. Boy, were my theories long and vivid (but now little remains of the details.) About a decade later this memory came back to haunt me – twice, in 2012 and 2015, like it was a grave sin that someone badly wanted to show to me. Both instances gave me severe depression for weeks. I thought I did worse stuff over the years but my uncontrolled mind just focused on that.
To give you a bit of a background, I am autistic and my mother didn’t talk about it openly to me until I was in my 20s, when I asked. I am known to keep things to myself, according to those living around me.
In the second depression I got to ruminate on the other bad things I did or experienced throughout my youth, and it led me to conclude how my youth was wasted by my own doing or by others. So I looked up online for help, looking for something like karma cleansing, prayers and the sort. I also talked about my “bad thoughts” to my mom but kinda withheld the bad luck artiste part, fearing she would judge or wouldn’t understand.
Even after the depression died down, some things linger like every time I see a person’s name (esp Western) the artiste’s name comes up automatically in my mind. Quite often to the point it got annoying. Then gradually it died down, but it would rise intermittently. Then I realized, maybe this happens because I tried hard to forget the whole thing, which online doctors say is wrong because it’d just loop and loop again. The right thing to do is “change channels”, “meditate”, something along the line. I even thought, is this because I withheld this from those around me? But I thought again, what better way than to confess – to a wider audience, online and anonymously. Anyhow, along the way I learned to laugh off that mortifying event and see things in a different angle.
