I used to never care, but now I do. What happened to me? Before, I genuinely didn’t care what people thought about me. I have always been a Christian, but I really grew in my faith during my freshman year of college….It wasn’t until I really gave my heart to God that I started seeing these problems. Part of me thinks that I became more conservative and kind and people didn’t like that. Do they think I am boring? Do they think I am fake? Do they think I am a snob? What is it? I really don’t know. I made so many friends when I was younger and now I don’t even know how….I ask girls to hang out, I try to be myself around them, I do everything that I can. I am kind. I know I am. I feel sad when I see others who are sad or hurting, even if I don’t know them. I never expect anything from anyone, but I want it. I want someone to care about me more. I always hear girls who I know talking about their friends like they are so amazing, but why doesn’t someone tell the world what a beautiful, funny, smart, friend I am. I am good at art, I am almost 6 foot tall and I look like a model. I know I sound conceited, but I am really not. I am so insecure searching myself for why they don’t care…How come I can’t make friends? Once a group of girls in high school pushed me out of our friend group, I decided not to care because I wasn’t really myself around them. I started to dress how I wanted and talk about all my weird and unique interests after they left me and it was so so so so so great at first. For like 3 years, it was amazing. I was who I was and people accepted me and gave me support, I don’t know what changed. I had depression for awhile and it seemed to destroy my relationships with friends…..I felt like they didn’t like me because I wasn’t this positive person that I used to be. I felt like they thought that I was negative and nobody wants to be around that person. I am currently overcoming depression, but my confidence is gone. It is just gone. I know I am great, but can’t convince myself that anyone else will think the same. I feel like people push me over. I don’t know why though! I really respect myself. I don’t talk about my problems to them very often, I don’t dress in a way that portrays that I dont respect myself. I am driven. I show up for work on time and I have an internship and I am in college, but even the girls who I work with as a waitress act like they are so much better than me… What did I do? One used to even be a really close friend. I don’t think she even sees me as a friend at all anymore…I always see people treat others like crap and they still have an abundance of people who surround them and love them and plan things for their birthday and take them out to celebrate when they achieve something, and run to their side when things are wrong and surprise them with something nice. Am I not worthy of that? Nobody has ever surprised me on my birthday and hardly anyone even does anything for my birthday either. No one in my family, none of my friends and not my boyfriend did anything to congratulate me when I got my internship. I know how to read Korean, I learned this over the last year, and I have won many awards for my art and I have been accepted for many associations on campus and no one ever gets excited for me. I am so loving to everyone I know….They only reason I have ever not liked someone is if they didn’t like me first and they had no justifiable reason not to like me. I am unique! I love Korean culture, I am an artist and I am a graphic designer, I love playing badminton and lots of other sports, I love music of all kinds, I love adult cartoons, I am a virgin, but accept just about anyone although others might assume I am innocent or judgmental because of this. I think I am interesting. I am high energy and I just have so many interests. I don’t see why people treat me like I am an idiot or like I am nothing. They don’t know me. People who I have know for a long time seem to still just push me over. I don’t know why… Sometimes I think that I am so considerate that people just know that I will be there when they need me so they don’t feel any need to do anything to keep our friendship. It seems as if they all consider each others opinions before mine and I just can’t stand it! I used to not give a crap what they thought, but honestly, how can I continue to not care when I feel like I don’t have any friends. I have my best friend, but even she seems bitter and jealous towards me. She always tells my other friend how hot and amazing she is even thought I am 100% sure I am prettier. My best friend act like she is all that. Like she is too good to spend time with me when I want to…but when she wants to, she is so different! She acts like she is my boss and like she knows what is best for me more than I do….This morning she came to my house and woke me up an hour before I had to be up and told me to get up because we had to go get breakfast….and when I said no she kept saying “get up” or “you are already awake, so let’s go,” and then when she finally let me sleep and left, I am pretty sure she was upset with me even though I can make decisions for myself. I am so sick of her and everyone else. She really thinks that she is so smart and everything else and she always judges my decisions even though she has made a million worse decisions than me…..I have never treated her or any of the girls from my work like I was better than them. but they act like they are better than me even though they don’t have any reasons to believe that….Yeah, they might be better waitresses than me, but I am nice, smart and strong and beautiful and I am 2 other jobs and I go to school so sorry I am one weakness…which isn’t even really true because costumers are always telling me that I am a good waitress…..and my best friend think she is better because she gets guys easier….Well it isn’t because she is prettier or nicer or anything. It is because she laughs constantly and makes every guy think she is into them. Wow….I really sound like a b**** right now, but I don’t care. She is insecure and hoes around and cheated on her boyfriend and acted like it was nothing, but she comes to my house this morning and judges me for wanting to get another hour of sleep when I have been up super late the last 4 nights fighting with my boyfriend over something that he lied to me about and then she says that we just had a rough patch and that life goes on even though we are on the verge of breaking up and she cries to me everyday about how her boyfriend has a kid….like seriously? what? SHE DOESNT DESERVE THIS GUY!! She cheated on him and constantly worries about the fact that he has a kid even though she f****** cheated on him….Wow…sorry I am really letting everything out. She never told him she cheated either!!!!! What the hell!!??? I would never do that, yet when I think of friends that I could hang out with, I seriously can think of only 1 or 2 outside of her and she has a f****** line of people always waiting to see her. I don’t get it. She used to be great, but she became this fake, stuck up b**** and I just don’t have anyone. I haven’t told anyone how I feel about this…She has been my best friend for 10 years…..what am I supposed to do??? She makes me feel like I am dirt. She always acts like she is better than me. Like she thinks that I will just be a stupid peasant waiting around for her because she knows I don’t have many friends. I don’t think that shows anything though. This doesn’t prove that she is a better person than me….I guess I just don’t know what motivates people to do nice things for others. I do nice things for people because I love them and even though they say they love me too, they take me for granted. I don’t know. It just breaks my heart….. I am ready for a change. I just am afraid that if I really start standing up to people, that they might think that I am crazy because I am freaking out over something they might not see as a big deal. I hate drama and definitely don’t want to be the source of it….
