I feel a lot of things right now. For one, I’m disappointed in myself (I think). I’m in college and rooming with my best friend. His name is Josh. I’ve known him for 11 years and we’ve always gotten along really well (yes, I’m male). Anyway, I made a mistake the other day that I’m really struggling with. We were drinking some beers, I got really drunk after about 6 or 7 of them. Someone came over, someone he knows but hasn’t for very long. Anyway, after about five minutes he pulled out some cocaine.
I’d never done cocaine before. It cleared up the drunken haze I was feeling. We all did it, but I seemed to like it the most (or it’s possible I just had the hardest time controlling my enthusiasm). The guy who brought it over left after about an hour, and then it was just the two of us. We got to talking about a lot of different things, and eventually the conversation turned to s**. Josh has a girlfriend (has never had a hard time with girls) and is definitely an attractive guy. I don’t have a girlfriend and have struggled with this for years. It’s not that I’m not attractive (I’m not Brad Pitt) but I’m surely more shy than he is. I’ve only had a few girlfriends in my life, and it’s been a long time since the last one.
Anyway, I don’t really know how else to say this other than to say it: the coke made me really h****. I don’t know how it happened (God, I’m so ashamed), but before long I started asking him a lot of personal questions about how often he had s**, who he had it with, if he got a lot of blow jobs, for one. Then he asked me, “Why, you wanna give me one or something?” Before I knew what I was doing, impulsively, I told him I would. He said, “Whoa, I was just kidding dude!” but somehow, a minute or so later I was undoing his belt. And I did it.
The whole thing lasted about five minutes. Neither one of us is gay. But for whatever reason, he let me go through with the act. While I was doing it I couldn’t believe it, but I kept at it. If I’m going to be honest, I have to say that I had fun doing it; he was rock hard and it made me happy to know that I was helping someone feel good. Who’s going to say that it doesn’t feel good to have your d*** sucked? I finished it (meaning I brought him to o*****). He came in my mouth, I swallowed (that was different, but not unpleasant).
Since then (two days ago) he hasn’t said a word to me. After he came, he basically disappeared, and every time I’ve seen him since he’s had a neutral look on his face (not cold, but he hasn’t said anything). What did I do so wrong? I mean, I know I performed oral s** on another man, but that’s not immoral. I’m not gay, but I guess the fact that I broke my own “rule book” (if that makes sense) by doing this extreme thing is really bothering me. Also, I made a really stupid choice indulging in that drug; if I hadn’t done that, none of this would have happened.
What do I do now? Should I try to talk to him? Should I leave it for time to heal? I’m just at a loss, and really down on myself. Have I ruined our friendship? Oh God, I feel terrible. I guess it’s only natural, considering how stupid I was. If anyone has any advice, I’d be so grateful. Thanks for reading this.
All Comments
If this is not some copied text (and I don’t think it is), then I don’t think you have much to worry about. First of all, throw out all these labels you have. Were you sexually attracted to Josh that night? Have you ever been sexually attracted to other men ever? Be honest with yourself. If you have, then what’s the big deal? What’s the big deal with being sexually attracted to both men and women? More sex for you! This is scenario 1.
Scenario 2, if you’ve never been sexually attracted to other men or to your friend Josh and only did this because you weren’t sober, then everything is still fine. You’d be surprised to know that A LOT of people do things drunk they’d never imagine doing if they were sober (that’s why you should learn to control your drink!). Sure, most of it just ends up in a little kissing or touching, but others may go further. Your story is an example of that. And so what? If all this just so happened to be because you were drunk, then try and talk to Josh about it. He is your best friend, correct? If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then do what you have left to do: move on, understand that things happen, and stop beating yourself up about it. Oh, and also, don’t take cocaine again and take it easy with the alcohol. Your alcohol tolerance must be really weak if it takes six or seven beers to get you drunk to the extent where you might give head.
T.A.