I don’t care if a single

I don’t care if a single person reads this. But here goes. So I’m feeling extremely guilty. I literally just want to sit in my home and sulk forever about it, but that’s not going to happen. So I googled some things like I always do which led me to this website. So now that we know how I got here, lets talk about why I’m here. Everything started my junior year in high school (mind I’m 20 now) I was 16 then, when I met what I thought was the love of my life. I would have done anything for him then, I felt so deeply inlove I probably would have died for him. We had s** quite early, and a few months into our relationship we were quite comfortable around each other. He was a big party guy, and I was just out of my partying stage, but we would still drink and what not. I have some social anxiety, and honestly I really didn’t like any of his older friends. Anyways, on with the story. I found out months down the road he had been talking to girls. It broke my heart! I spent the next year and a half fighting off women like Sam and Dean from Supernatural fighting off demons. No joke. But then I felt myself slipping away slowly. I felt myself care less and less when I found out he was talking to someone else. Then came the p***, (we had a great s** life) more than once a day usually. This hurt me just as much as him talking to other girls, I would even cry! I even tried looking at p*** as a form of “getting even” and I just wasn’t interested? (by the way, it won’t make things even. they don’t care) So a few more months of that goes by, this caused me to try extremely hard at everything I did, I lost weight, even though I only weighed 115 lbs. I dropped to 100, I tried new things during s**, everything under the sun. New hair EVERYTHING. It didn’t work. Also, keep in mind, he held one job for 6 months, in which he spent all of the money on himself, I know this makes me sound selfish but hang in there, there is more to this. He was a delivery driver, who strictly made tips. Guess who’s car he was using? Oh MINE, he wrecked it three different times, almost totaling it the third time, thankfully my father is a mechanic. He would go buy the dumbest things, little toy helicopters, this and that, wouldn’t save any money so we could move out of the hell hole we called his mothers. I held a job most of the time we dated, except when he used my car for delivery. I worked at a restaurant getting paid $5.75/hr. My checks every two weeks were maybe $140 if I was lucky enough to get hours. I literally spent all my money supporting him! All of it! I didn’t buy new clothes, shoes, I didn’t go out with my girlfriends(which I ended up losing all of my friends, which is a whole other story) So months and months goes by, and he decides, he just doesn’t want a job!? He will not apply, he won’t leave his room, all he would do is play his guitar or video games (also hang in there, I am a huge gamer fan, I play black ops, borderlands, so com, left 4 dead, battlefield, you seriously name it, I PLAY) but I still had a job! So back to the main point. I just lost all hope in our relationship. I quit caring what he did because that felt better than worrying constantly. I was always sick to my stomach thinking about the things he was doing. So I built a wall, one that literally could not be torn down. Then walla! He actually starts trying? He wouldn’t talk to another girl if his life depended on it. At this point I didn’t care anymore. I felt like all hope was gone, and I was slowly falling out of love with him. It got to the point where everything he said just made me angry, I didn’t even want him to touch me, anywhere. We quit having s** every night, but the nights we did weren’t enjoyable. I couldn’t do this to him, or myself anymore so I told him we need a break. Our break didn’t last longer than 3 weeks, then we go back together, and broke up again 2 weeks later (this happened four times) Then we got back together and he went to Florida for a week.. and he didn’t talk to me, he sent me one text while I was asleep, and I didn’t reply, so he sent more saying, “What did I do to piss you off this time” and just little things like that, I was ASLEEP. I texted him back explaining everything, and I didn’t get a single reply. Now to the guilty part… I just started a new job working for a phone company in tech support. Our supervisor stuck us with trainers, I was put with an attractive guy, my age. He seemed extremely shy, and literally asked me out on a date 3 days later. I said I would think about it. I even ditched him twice actually thinking about my boyfriend. Then one night I went, we got drunk, but nothing happened, he hugged me goodbye and that is all. The next day I woke up.. still haven’t heard from my boyfriend.. I just literally gave up. I went on a date with the guy I met from work. He took me to see a movie, and he even paid! (wow I’m not used to that.) then we went back to his house and watched more movies and I ended up going home at 3 in the morning. We did hold hands and kiss, so I’m on cheating territory now 😐 I’ve never done that in my life! I felt horrible, but at the same time I kept justifying it. The next day with still no word from my boyfriend I went an hung out with my coworker again.. this time one thing led to another and we ended up having s**. I’m really not this kind of women, and I hate myself for it. But finally my boyfriend text me back telling me he’s home (only a week later) and that I should come over. I just got pissed. I handed it to him and he left me. He told me I make him feel like dying, and numerous hurtful things.. so I’ve continued to talk to my coworker, keep in mind he knows nothing about my situation, and I really don’t want him to because he’s one of the sweetest guys I’ve met. I just feel so guilty. To the point where I don’t want any outside contact, I just want to sit in my house and sulk. FOREVER. Maybe watch a bunch of chick flicks or something? I don’t know. I just really needed to vent..

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