I am a failure and a loser. I know that I don’t deserve to live but the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because I care about my friends and family. I can’t even do a f****** part of my project without bringing the rest of my group down. I have horrible grades, horrible social skills, and I know that I deserve to be in an abusive relationship. I want to be in an abusive romantic-relationship because I know that I would deserve it. I keep having thoughts over and over about suicide, but I’m too much of a chicken to actually do it. But I get distracted from my homework and studying and my grades are falling because I’m suicidal, and I’m suicidal because everything in my life is going to the crapper. I would deserve to be molested and beat and kicked and slapped. I know that all of this sounds so fucked up, and I bet some of you with real problems are thinking that I should never wish that to happen to me. The only thing hurting me is myself. I have nothing honestly-bad in my life and yet I’m still so fucked up. I’m so damn afraid that I’m going to snap and kill myself without realizing what I’m doing. I almost want that to happen because I would deserve it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know I can never do it because that would hurt the people I care about, but I just get so messed up inside sometimes. I don’t know what to do. I need help, but I don’t have time to get help because I’m too busy trying to recover my f****** grades. My family wouldn’t understand anyway. I’m sorry for ranting so much. I’m sorry for being such a p****. I’m sorry because I know in my heart that I am a shame to this world. Thank you, whoever is reading this, for listening.
