I'm an asexual girl, in a relationship with a hetero guy. I'm deeply in love with him, but It's my secret that I'm asexual and I still have sex with him

12 years

187 Views

I’m an asexual girl, in a relationship with a hetero guy.

I’m deeply in love with him, but It’s my secret that I’m asexual and I still have s** with him every night to please him. This feels so horrible to me. I love him so much, but having s** feels like I’m being raped, while having to pretend to enjoy it. And because it’s a person who loves me and would never hurt me, It all feels so fucked up. I sometimes can’t help but tear up, but try to hide it. Sometimes I pretend I have to go to the bathroom, just to let it out and stop crying.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so torn. I love him so much, and I don’t know how I’d ever be able to tell him that I don’t like s**. I like touch, cuddles, warmness and love. I feel very much in love with him. My body just doesn’t respond to s**. I’ve never wanted it. But I have tried every single thing I could think of to make it work. Therapy, experimenting with thoughts of other sexes, but I like nothing. S** is just not for me. I don’t even feel like doing it on my own. The world has always seemed weird to me, when people suddenly wants to go all crazy on each other. When I’m with my boyfriend, I try to act like I’ve seen people on tv act, during i**********. I can’t imagine how good they must be feeling, and I wish I was part of the rest of the society. I just want to be normal and function, but living like this everyday is really breaking me down.
And if I tell him I’m asexual, he’ll know I’ve been pretending this whole time. I couldn’t do that.
Not sure anyone will ever read this. I just googled somewhere to confess, assuming it must help with the burden.
If somebody is reading this, I assume you must be here because you have a burden on your own. I hope yours will sort, as well as mine.
C

New Confession

My art therapist/group therapist and I were having an illegal affair. I would write secret messages to her and she would read them and respond to them in person. She would do favors i asked of her, like wearing outfits i asked her to wear, she’d even do me s***** favors. I made her a google drive full of p*** of me and then crafted a puzzle link to get to it that only she could have known. The link was a tinyurl with three phrases in the url that only she could have known. We would walk for an hour every day and swing at the park. I would write her poetry and play love songs for her every day. She broke the rules to play mario kart with me constantly when her boss was out. We had something magical. But she would never communicate directly with me because sge was afraid she’d lose her liscence to practice and her boyfriend and house, abd when I pushed her to unmask and be real, she told me I was wasting my time. Well that pissed me off and I crashed out a little abd she used that crash out to get me kicked out of my group therapy program. She wants out and I told her she’s not allowed to want out. I told her If she doesn’t reach out to me and continue this affair, that i will report her and get her liscence taken away and if that doesn’t work ill find some other way to ruin her life. You dont go from gooning in the bathroom at work to someone to throwing them away in the same week. Thats fucked. I’ll post her name here soon if she stays quiet and doesn’t reach out to me.

Related Confessions

My girlfriend and I are opening up to non-monogamy and a few days ago we decided to give it a shot. She had matched with a few guys on Tinder and was invited to a Halloween party. I was at home when she called that she was going home but brought her date for the night. Asking to make the bed, put drinks ready and stay in the guest room for tonight. I have never felt this knot in my stomach. I was kind of aroused that it went so fast with her and she kicked me out of our bedroom for that night but I felt very stressed and it really hurt too. I heard them through the hallway for like 45mins until they went to sleep at like 2am. He left quite early and this morning at about 7am and she called for me to cuddle. I felt very vulnerable so I was happy to lay with her and cuddle. She kissed me and said she loved me. She is now still sleeping it off but I’m not sure if I can live like this