Let me start off by saying that there is no way I could possibly ever forgive myself for what I have done.

To you. My deepest love.

It was the most selfish thing I had ever done in my life. It was something I never thought I would do.

I had experienced so much pain in my life, but never knew that I would be able to do it to someone else. Especially to someone I love dearly.

At the time, I felt so lonely, so helpless and lost. It felt as if I had no one. No one to talk to, no one to listen to me, no one to hold me, no one to make me feel good, no one to love me. In fact, before it all happened, I had a break down. I couldn’t take the frustration any longer.

I cried myself to sleep one night feeling that my life wasn’t going anywhere. I felt hopeless. I felt that even you weren’t there for me when I needed you. My life was going into a downward spiral and I felt out of control. And when he messaged me and we hung out, I guess I was missing being touched and feeling needed and I gave in to the manipulation.

And I can’t lie, I felt extremely hurt every single time that I told you I loved you you’d cringe and never could say it back; it made me feel like you didn’t love me or cared about me and I was giving more of myself into our relationship than you.
But at the end of the day, I don’t care about him.

I feel nothing for him.

When it was all said and done, I made it clear that it wasn’t happening again. I cut him off. I knew what I did was wrong. I felt guilt and shame. I felt disgusted with myself. I still do.
I mean from the bottom of my heart and with my entire soul that I am sorry and that I will never, ever do it again. I can’t. I never want to hurt you again in any way, shape or form.

I know you’re extremely hurt, angry and you probably hate me. And I completely understand. I would feel the same way. In fact, I have.

I can’t even imagine how you felt when I told you, or how you’re feeling now. You probably can’t even describe it. I know that I fucked up badly. I never wanted to be like the others, and I ended up being that way. I wanted to show you that I was different. I’m sorry I couldn’t.

I need you to know my true feelings. Everything I ever told you, about how much I liked you from the beginning, how you gave me butterflies whenever I saw you, how I felt an immediate connection from when we first met, how I think you’re the greatest guy ever, how much I love you, I meant it; I meant every single word and I still do. I swear on my own life.

I still think you’re amazing. You are the best man any woman could ever ask for. You deserve the very best in life. And I hope you find it and that everything you want, you get.

I never felt the way I do for you, for any other man. I know you’re thinking that if I really did, I wouldn’t have done what I did, and I understand. But, please understand where I am coming from. I never felt so in love with someone in my life. The way you make me feel, no one had ever done that to me. It’s magical, as corny as that sounds, but there’s no other way I can describe it. It’s an indescribable feeling how I feel for you and what you do to me.

Whenever I was with you, I never felt so happy and stress free; nothing mattered, but you, us. When we had s** it was the most amazing s** and it was other worldly. The passion and romance was pure bliss. I know I will never experience that with anyone else. You’re so different. And I’ll admit, even though I wasn’t sure about being a mother, I always fantasized about building an amazing life with you, including having a family with you.

I understand if you never want to speak to me again or see me again. I understand if you’re angry and hold a grudge. I understand if you hate me and think bad of me or wish the worst on me. I understand if you really don’t want to be with me after this.
As much as I want us to work things out and to get through this, I understand if you don’t. You probably can never look at me the same way again and probably will never be able to forgive me. I understand completely. Just know there is anything I would do to have you back and to move on from this. Anything.

Maybe we just weren’t meant to be. Maybe it’s better that we shouldn’t be together. Maybe too much damage was done for us to get passed this. But I just want you to know, please do not give up on love. You will make a very lucky woman happy one day and I wish you all the best. I won’t forget you, but please forget me.

I love you and I always will.