In all honesty I’m broken. Yeah, you read it 1000 times on here that people m********* and they are sorry and feel guilty. To some it’s not a big deal. They don’t get it. It doesn’t cause problems in their lives.

For me it’s different.

I would plead for the greatest years of my life back if it would do any good. I would scream I am sorry until my voice gave out for my health and vitality back. I ruined my own life because people told me I wasn’t good enough, and I believed them. I am the one to blame, and now it seems too late to salvage anything from the wreckage I have caused.

Everywhere I look people seem to be doing much better than I am. My body is wasting away because I didn’t give it what it needed. I robbed it of what it needed.

Now that I am stopped I see that there’s not much I can do to repair what I have done to myself. There’s actually no reason I should have to try and make this better, because once you get past a certain point your body just gives in and says: “Okay, if you don’t want to give me what I need, I will die.”

If I could take it back I would. If I could earn it back I would. I just don’t see how it’s possible. Smokers’ lungs heal as soon as they stop smoking. I am not sure s** and m*********** addiction works the same way. I wish it did. I wish people recognized this as the true problem that it is.

Today I have had enough. Today is the day I change and don’t look back, no matter what it means. I hope that shows I am sorry enough.

I lead a very, very lonely life.