I don’t know what category this fits in……but I am a lesbian. For the past year I’ve realized I’m in love with someone I probably won’t be able to have or who will love me back. At times I really long for this person. In a way I have let her go, though I feel she will always have a special place in my heart. I’m still at the point where I feel I could not love anyone as much as I love her.

Still, lately I’ve been feeling so lonely. I am around people and have a good time, but I want a relationship and the physical closeness of someone. Yesterday this guy seemed to be interested in me. I am honestly terrible at reading these things, but while we were sitting next to each other he kept lightly touching me on my arm and at one point almost reached out to grab my hand but we weren’t close enough. I had not been touched by someone other than family and friends for so long. I didn’t want him to do it, but in a way I at the time enjoyed it.

I would never do anything with this guy. Later afterwards I felt disgusted that I would even let him do that, and hope I somehow didn’t lead him on to think I may be interested in him. I feel angry and disappointed with myself. I still remember him touching my hand and arm and now I feel grossed out and dirty. I am very much still a lesbian. In fact I was thinking about the girl I love last night and was so turned on! I dreamed that we were making out and it was the best feeling in the world-until I realized it wasn’t real! However, I feel I have reached a new low that I am that lonely and longing for affection that I would find some comfort in a guy-even if it was momentarily.