What have i done, i left my husband. he loves me, or loved… he hates me now. All reality he hates me. We had a few out of hand fights, well numerous bad fights. i started the physical fights by pushing him and from then on it progressed. i pushed him so far until he hit me. when he was drunk i wouldnt hardly do anything and he would knock me around, but sober i think the fighting was my fault. I would get so upset i would throw something. we played mind games, to upset me he would slam his forhead agains the wall, to upset him i would punch something or throw it. we were so stupid. we went through years of this. i would sleep at least 12 to 16 hours a day, i would take his moms nyquil and sleep more. i always had bad dreams, he said it was because i slept to much. i loved him so much it hurt. the thought of him with “her” made me sick. the thought of him with his ex made me sick. why was i not good enough for him? i had been through hell and back and still i am not good enough. he always wanted her over me. but yet i stood by his side. he punched me in the face one night. my heart still breaks when i think about that night. we were at a party and his ex shows up, he was completly wasted. he saw an opportunity to go talk to her alone and tried to take it, (having problems with her in our relationship before) i stopped him. he got mad and we started arguing and he was denying. then he told me he doesnt want to be with me. i talked him into going home. on our way home he changed his mind and pulled the Ebreak up going down the highway. he DEMANDED on going back to that party where she was at. i said no lets go home before anything we’ll regret happens. he punched me in the face. punched my windsheild. jump out of the car and took off running along the highway and disappeared in a field. i walked that highway and feild 30 minutes before i found him. the only way i could convince him to get in the car was to take him back to that party. i took him back there, even though every string holding my heart together was breaking. his friends asked what happened to my face. and i told them the truth. that night we finally made it home around 4 AM We made it to the first gate on our drive way. i stopped the car to get out to open the gate, him being passed out in the passangers seat, wakes up, freaks out and rips my gear shift from park to 2nd gear. my car is now stuck unable to move… so we have to walk a mile and a half to the house. my flip flop is broke and the whole way up to the house he’s pushing me down into the dirt and rocks, running at me grabbing my hair and slinging me down more, dragging forward. calling me w****, s***, b****, and other words. im pretty banged up… by the time we got to the house it was 6 AM he got into bed and crashed, i went out on the back padio and called my best friend from my hometown. i needed someone after that. I think that was probably the worst fight we had. we have had pretty bad fights but for some reason that ones the one that still makes my heart sink and my eyes blur. he got a job that required him to travel. i wanted so bad to be with him. but he didnt really want that. he wanted me home… we didnt have any kids. he worked so hard it seemed like and i didnt show the appreciation he deserved. i didnt even give him a clean house to come home too. i was a horrible wife i feel like. he started going out to bars and even a s********* while he was out of town, and he wouldnt allow me to do anything of the sort like that. since we first started seeing each other he didnt allow me at parties or anything like that. but damn straight that boy would leave me heart broken all night while he was out god knows where and who with. And that stopped after a year but now the first year we are finally married he starts this back up… wtf. i love this man enough to accept his want to travel without me, i stay home when im not slaving away at work, i did everything to make that man happy. he wanted me to stay home, i stayed home, he wanted me to get a job, i got a job, he wanted me to find something else to take up my time so i wasnt missing him as much, so i went back to school. after his outings to bars and etc., i got offered a local bartending job. he hated it. but i put my foot down and took it. i made friends, it felt so good to have friends, i hadnt actually had friends since highschool before our relationship began. he didnt like me having friends. it felt good to have that little bit of freedom, and then i lost all track and asked for a divorce. i wanted friends, i wanted the nasty memories of me and him to go away, i was tired of feeling so alone, a married woman isnt suppose to feel unwanted, alone, not good enough, i knew it wouldnt ever change. it always went south with us. he begged to work it out, but i couldnt. i had given as much chances as i could. i was deadset on not loving him. the pain i caused him, it hurts so bad to think about breaking his heart. oh i loved him like you wouldnt believe. now he hates me and im left wondering if i made the biggest mistake… but i wonder… am i sick… am i one of them woman that blame themselves for the physical abuse, or am i in my right mind and it is my fault. we have now been seperated 5 months. and it just hit me tonight. im in a mess of tears, lost in my own thoughts, burried in my regrets.