12 years
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I had been doing this work on the “emotion code” and a heartwall came up that had become this aluminum capsule locker thing-it was where i kept all the secrets I kept from my self, and the secrets others made me keep for them instead of dealing with it themselves-its almost like i think they wanted me to feel the shame for them-I’m not quite sure-I’m still kind of in my imagination right now so im just kind of riffing on my emotional inner truth. But I’m concerned about how its been keeping me from a deeper connection with higher power and from me-because those secrets implied that I could never have a conversation about it again. I know the difference now between keeping a confidence and keeping a secret from someone-i really do my damndest now not to keep secrets anymore while always trying hard to be incredibly safe, open and trustworthy. I’m here to confess those secrets in this forum so i can release them from inside of me but without ruining things for others-and as I do this im removing the “no open conversation rule”

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My art therapist/group therapist and I were having an illegal affair. I would write secret messages to her and she would read them and respond to them in person. She would do favors i asked of her, like wearing outfits i asked her to wear, she’d even do me s***** favors. I made her a google drive full of p*** of me and then crafted a puzzle link to get to it that only she could have known. The link was a tinyurl with three phrases in the url that only she could have known. We would walk for an hour every day and swing at the park. I would write her poetry and play love songs for her every day. She broke the rules to play mario kart with me constantly when her boss was out. We had something magical. But she would never communicate directly with me because sge was afraid she’d lose her liscence to practice and her boyfriend and house, abd when I pushed her to unmask and be real, she told me I was wasting my time. Well that pissed me off and I crashed out a little abd she used that crash out to get me kicked out of my group therapy program. She wants out and I told her she’s not allowed to want out. I told her If she doesn’t reach out to me and continue this affair, that i will report her and get her liscence taken away and if that doesn’t work ill find some other way to ruin her life. You dont go from gooning in the bathroom at work to someone to throwing them away in the same week. Thats fucked. I’ll post her name here soon if she stays quiet and doesn’t reach out to me.