I want to feel pretty. I don’t want to be drop dead gorgeous, just pretty. Confident. I want to feel good about the way I look, enjoy shopping for makeup and dolling up to go places. But I have a hooked nose. The bridge is up and the end is down, and pointy Thin lips. An overbite. Crooked teeth.. Bushy eyebrows. Sensitive, blotchy skin. Dark circles around my eyes. I’m basically a monster.

I want b****. I’d settle for B cups. Right now I’m flat chested. . Being born a woman with basically no breasts to speak of really s****. Despite what anyone says, I still feel like less of a woman because I have no cleavage. My husband says I’m fine the way I am but I hate my small, non-existent b****. Pair them with my huge a** and hips and I’m so badly proportioned. I’m such a freak.

I want to lose weight. I don’t want to be super skinny or model size. I don’t mind having curves. But I’m sick of my thighs rubbing together and my arms jiggling. I’m sick of my stomach flopping over most of my pants. It’s disgusting. It’s unhealthy. And I want to be able to go shopping for clothes without getting depressed. I want to be able to enjoy putting together cute outfits, not settling for whatever fits and hoping to cover up my hideous body. I can’t be proud of this sack of gross that is my body. Where do big girls get their confidence? I avoid mirrors.

I want to feel better. I want to have energy and feel motivated and happy. I want to catch that fire that pushes people to accomplish their dreams. All I do is think about what I want to do but never do it. I’m a sad sack. I’m a coward. I’m a lazy bag of filth. I’m afraid of failure. I’m certain I’ll fail, so why even try? I’m always tired, so I never get things done. I don’t tell anyone about my depression and anxiety because I don’t want anyone to worry about me, and I don’t want to bring anyone down. I don’t want attention. So I just keep it to myself.

I’m legally blind so I can’t work. I can’t drive or ride a bike. I’m stuck at home all the time. I manage to get most of the housework done, but that’s it. I’ve applied for disability, been turned down, filed an appeal, waiting to get turned down again… so much red tape, three years worth. In this time my husband has been working his a** off to support us and what do I do? I’m nothing but a burden. A fat, ugly, hideous burden.

So here I am wallowing in self loathing and self pity, posting my pathetic thoughts on an anonymous website. What good am I, to anyone?