From the age of 13 I became more s******* interested in girls my own age. My first kiss was at maybe 8 years old.
My interest in girls became a digital interest at the age of 13, when we had a computer and the internet. I began looking up girls aged 13 or so, because I wanted to see the same girls who I saw at school naked. It was around the same age of maturing into m*********** and s***** interests. I lost my virginity at 16 to a girl a year younger.

At the age of 24 or so, I began to realize, through my Schizophrenia and other insights, that it wasn’t appropriate to do this anymore. And have never since. Although, through my illness, I have been tortured mentally by voices and dillusions about being a p******** and sick person, the devil, and pervert.

Of the duration of my interest in younger women (none of which I would EVER have acted upon in real life) I believed myself to not be sick, and had no insight into what I was doing. I didn’t realize it was wrong until I became mentally ill. I never looked at young girls in real life, and always dated someone my own age or within an acceptable range.

I have been scared shitless by my mental illness (Schizophrenia with Paranoia). Absolutely painfully tortured by dillusions. And basically it scared me enough never to do it again.

Before my mom passed away in June of 2000, she called me a p******** saying “I can’t believe you’re already a p********!” yelling at me. She had caught my digital traces on the computer with her husband. I was NEVER secretive enough to hide it. I was always open with my privacy and never attempted to lie about it. I really didn’t think of it. It hurt for her to pass away like that, after that argument and harsh words.

I walk to the mall or the store on any given day, and am tortured by naked images of people I pass. And have a lot of anxiety around children. Although I am against child p*** or “N*** Art” as it’s called, I still have the remnants of this past of mine. I 99% looked at pictures of n*** art, where the sites are from other countries where it is apperently legal.

Now, when I tell my fiance about what I did in my youth, I feel judged and condemmed, especially since she has been against it her whole life, having been molested by a man. . But oddly enough, the openness I had once had as a youth while watching those images, through my mental illness developing, I turned into a fearful person. I fear judgement and hell, and death, and mental torture. I began to hide what I had done, justifying it as being “in my past” and “I would never do that again”. But I feel guilt for what I have done.

Thank’s. Peace love and fried chicken.