I’m 13 and I hate my whole life. My mother is a terrible person who never listens and doesn’t want to hear about my feelings, and i only realized this once i got into like 4th grade. I somehow ended up on a p*** sight and for a few years that was my outlet, except it cause a drastic decrease in my grades due to how much I was watching. I was never really addicted I just needed something to distract me from real life. My mom would beat me when I did something and I feared it more than anything so that’s when I really started to lie to her about things. In 5th grade I transferred to a charter school from a gifted program and I the work was easy. I wasn’t used to being in school with “ghetto” kids and it messed me up even more. I ended up getting suspended for telling another kid a girls locker combination (she was getting bullied) and he threw all her stuff in the trash. I was also being bullied by this one girl who wanted my best friend all to herself and hated me. She was chubby too and took out her insecurity on me, and I pride myself on self confidence but I started to break a little every time she told me I wasn’t good enough. I still put on a brave face every day and walking into school like it was nothing. I attended a “smart” camp over that summer and the excess work and pressure cracked me even more and I had frequent episodes where I would break down in tears. Finally that nightmare ended and I was put in a white kids private school in rye. I was not used to the environment and ended up acting wild and crazy and all those snotty rich brats looked down on me. 2 boys in particular took to bullying me; calling me ugly and saying nobody would ever date me. My own “friends” didn’t like me and I felt so alone but I kept on the brave face and kept crumbling inside. Eventually my one real friend, or so I thought, recommended a solution for the angry mom after she see’s my english grades. She told me she has forged her mom’s signature on them before so I tried it for math and it worked a couple of times. Unfortunately my English teacher wasn’t that stupid, and my mom found out. I got beat so hard that I had marks and couldn’t change in front of the others in the girls locker room. I felt so ugly and so ashamed. Like nobody loved me or wanted me. I never considered suicide, I’m to much of a coward, but I wanted to just go home. I’ve been saying it since I was very little. Whenever something incredibly upsetting or emotionally traumatizing happened to me I would cry in my bed repeating “I want to go home.” and I still have no idea where that is. 7th grade was no better, I slacked of in classes and never did my homework although I made real friends and that kept me happy. Around this time I began to hate my brother, he acted like he was better than me and knew everything and I just wanted him to die. Just die so I could be happier but he was around all the time over my shoulder patronizing me acting like he knows what’s best. I still hate him. So far 8th grade is okay except I have serious feelings for my very best friend’s ultra crush and he acts like he likes me. Everything in my life is just so fucked up and I just wish I could go home.