Multiple Confessions:

I have a boyfriend of 4.5 years. He is such a good man and loves me so dearly. He is generous in spirit, love, money, and time. My family loves him. He wants to marry me but I am cheating/lying to him in multiple ways. I am so ugly inside. How can I know all these wonderful things about him and still do things that are harmful to me and would devastate him?

1. I have an eating disorder – it comes and goes with severity. I am really working on recovery, but I feel stuck with it. Likely because of all the guilt I have over my terrible selfishness with everything else. I think he sort of knows about it, but I never talk about it.

2. I have been emailing with my ex-boyfriend. I actually cheated on my ex-boyfriend multiple times (long distance + college), he found out, we tried to work through it, but we ultimately broke up. He started emailing me again, telling me how much he loves me, how he wants us to be together. Apart of me truly misses him as he was my first love and he just inspires the creative side of me. And he has seen me at my worst – he knows that I cheated on him and also knows about my eating disorder. But he doesn’t know about my current boy friend (actually my rebound breaking up with him) – and its easy to keep secrets as he loves in another state. I also don’t understand how he could possibly have such strong feelings after 5 years. (although we did hang out with each other in 2011)

3. I have a co-worker that I have been flirting with and went out on a couple dates with – I told him I was in an “open relationship” and that I lived alone. I don’t even know why I lied?! I don’t like him that much, I am not that attracted to him.

4. My current boyfriend and I live with each other and I want to move out and have more space, in fact, breaking up and letting me get cleaned up and straightened out is likely the best thing, but then I would have to confess all of the above and I don’t want to hurt him. I also don’t want to hurt my ex-boyfriend.

I am the worst.