I started college in September 2013. I loved my secondary school, I had been there for 5 years and it was my safe haven, I always had somewhere to go and

12 years

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I started college in September 2013. I loved my secondary school, I had been there for 5 years and it was my safe haven, I always had somewhere to go and someone to talk to and it made me feel amazing. I grew up there, you could say, and what a place it was to grow up in. And then everything changed. I got my exam results and went off to college; I wasn’t alone then, like I am now, I had my closest friends in tow and I assumed things could carry on the way they were.
My first week at college was hell. My friends and I had become friends with a group of boys, taking us to a group of about 15 people. And that’s when I started to feel alone. I was no longer included and there was a wedge that had been driven between us. That’s when I started self harming and thinking about suicide. Who would care? I wondered, I wanted to make them feel what they had done. And once suicidal thoughts come they never really go, every time something goes wrong you immediately think of suicide; the ultimate way out.
This continued for the first term at college, I just kept getting pushed further and further away, who could I turn to?!?! And then things got a little better, I was numb to the pain, it had plateaued and was more bareable.
Then that fateful night happened. I met him. Under the influence of alcohol we spilled our secrets and shared our first kiss. Afterwards we would go out on dates, what a gentleman I thought, isn’t he lovely. Well things went further, he met my parents and I loved him, I loved us, it was great, when the others weren’t around.
And then one day, the week before valentine’s day to be precise, he asked to meet me, I met him and he said he didn’t want to see me anymore, no explanations, no excuses, a clean break. It hurt, it was my 10/10 pain.
One of my closest friends had become close with him, not close in that way, but still, close enough. She took his side; she had only known him for a few months. I cannot describe the shattering in my heart when she did that, she wasn’t the person I became friends with. I was ostracized from the group, only 3 people took my side, but now I fear that they regret that decision.
I got better, things got better, I didn’t cut myself so much. I felt almost like a normal person again and then when the summer holidays hit I was free! Finally free! I didn’t have to see the people I hated and I could spend time with the people that I loved, and one of whom I began to love too much. And yet he didn’t love me back, but it was ok, it was a honor to be able to just be in his presence, I feel like a better person when I’m with him, not so lonely, not such a mess.
But now September has rolled around and I am back at college, I’ve been back for one day and I saw the people that I hated, the memories came rushing back. I was separated from that friend I love too much, I was alone again. Things have come a full circle and I don’t think I can do it again, I don’t want to live another day. I came home and watched the blood run down my skin again, I hate it, I hate myself, I hate life. I can’t do this anymore. I want to die.

New Confession

Im depressed that ill never get to see my art therapist again. Ill miss spending hours with her every day. I’ll miss our morning walks to the park where we’d swing on the swings next to each other. I’ll miss playing love songs and writing poetry for her. I’ll miss playing games with her. I’ll miss making her smile and laugh. I’ll miss seeing her bursting to pee. I could ruin her life very easily if I wanted to. I could hire a lawyer to subpoena google for the records on the google drive and then sue her for medical malpractice and report her to the Division of Occupational liscencure. I could take everything away from her as punishment for abandoning me. Should I?

Related Confessions

One time my art therapist was holding her pee during dnd, this was shortly after she learned that I was into pee desperation, so january 2026. I was playing rain music. She was squirming like mad less than an hour in. At one point she shifted in her seat and opened her mouth and eyes wide in surprise, a real uh oh face. Break time came and she chose not to pee. So at about 70 or 80 minutes in, she gets up to go pee. Mind you she normally held it for 130 minutes. Well the dm tells her to update her character sheet before she goes and she says “OK, but I have to pee like no other.” I said “Damn…” and then “Why are you still here then.” And she just kinda went blank and said “What?” And I was like “Nevermind.” She came back from the bathroom reeking like piss and clearly going commando cause she had a sudden cameltoe that wasnt there before. Someone mentioned that it smelled like a litter box and i said “You smell piss? Oh yeah, I smell it too!” Pretty sure she had to throw out her p****** cause they were soaked in piss. She did that because she has a condition that makes it hard for her to have s** and i told her if she couldn’t f*** she’d have to indulge my o******* kink for pee desperation and wetting. She proceeded to hold it during dnd every week after that for 10 months, minus like 6 weeks. I remember many times she was clearly desperate to pee. A couple of times she jumped in her seat and sharply inhaled. Many times she would cross and uncross her legs and kick her feet repeatedly before tightly crossing her legs at the knee. One time after squirming she had a wet spot on her b*** and she leaned over the counter to let me see. Before any of this, we were playing dnd in like 2024 or 2025 and she was like “Hold on, I need to pee.” And I said ” Not allowed” and she jokingly said “Wanna come?” to me, in front of another client.